Tuesday, 13 February 2018

What I'll Probably Do...

As Valentines’ Day gets nearer I wonder what I’ll do.

Well, what I’ll probably do is wake up and think of you and then I’ll push that thought to one side because, after all, I need to move on and I’ll make my bed, have a wash and put some coffee on.

I’ll check my emails as I sip my coffee and I won’t check Facebook in case I’m tempted to look at your profile and I know that while seeing a photo of you will lighten my heart, it will also upset me so I’ll avoid getting cut by this double edged sword and I’ll turn off the internet as soon as my email checking is done.

I’ll play some music. YouTube do a great line in “Relaxation, soul cleansing, yoga, hippy, tofu” stuff and I’ll put that on and avoid the tracklist I named after you in order to try and keep my mind free of clutter.

After all, it’s Valentines’ Day.

I’ll go to work and, as it’s a language school, I’ll remember how I met you and I’ll again push those thoughts to one side and I’ll try not to remember your smile and your perfume and your grace and your beauty and I’ll do my lesson plans, hoping another member of staff will arrive soon to take my mind off you.

Later I’ll go running and find that this actually works as a temporary distraction and my mind is focussed on the pain in my left knee (that operation in 2015 scraped out a lot of gristle), and keeping my breath constant, and keeping my rhythm steady. 

I’ll take a shower when I get back and I’ll think about showering with you and how good you look naked and soaking wet. I’ll deliberately turn the tap to ‘cold’ to distract me enough to yet again push these thoughts aside and, with gritted teeth, I’ll rinse off the soap and step out to get dried.

Maybe I’ll meet some friends for a drink or dinner. We’ll laugh and joke and I won’t drink any alcohol because if I do I’ll think of you and I’ll get down and I’ll think about what you’re doing and where you are and if you’re enjoying your “surprise” romantic dinner with the guy you’re with. I’ll engage in conversation with my friends and after a while the chat will distract me enough so that I’m not thinking about you any more.

After all, it’s Valentines Day.

Later now and I’ll get home and lay on my bed reading a book, maybe something by Bernard Cornwell or Conn Iggulden, because I want warriors and battles on this day, not anything even remotely romantic….because that will remind me of you.

Soon my mind will wander and I’ll feel the mattress beneath my body and I’ll think of you and me in bed and remember how good it feels to be inside you. I’ll see your face as you came and the way you moaned when we made love. I’ll feel the taste of your lips and mouth and remember how you kissed.

After all it’s Valentines’ Day.

But…I’ve been good so far. I’ve managed to push these thoughts aside and I haven’t lingered on them. I’ve lived this day in a routine, doing everything I can to not stand still for too long and think of you. I’m strong and I can do this. I’ve done this. In a while I’ll go to sleep and tomorrow won’t be Valentines’ Day and these thoughts will have less of a claim on my attention than they did today.

I brush my teeth and I think of tomorrow. Lessons, some cycling, maybe a bit of yoga if I have time. I turn off the bathroom light and I go to my room, ready to sleep now.

And before I go, I turn on my Mac and I look at that photo of you in the black dress, with the Mona Lisa smile.

And I smile.

Because, after all, I still love you.

And it’s Valentines’ Day.