Thursday, 16 April 2015

The Wall

There was once a prince who fell in love with a free spirit maiden of the forests near his castle.

The prince was noble in some ways but lacking experience in others. He meant well but he was not always able to express how he felt.

He courted the maiden and despite the maiden realising that the prince was interested in her and found her beautiful, she did not know the depth of the prince's love for her...because he never told her.

For a few months the prince tentatively wooed the maiden but, afraid and embarrassed to show the true nature of his feelings....his intentions were not known by her and eventually her eye was caught by another prince.

The first prince was sad. He loved the maiden but had been too afraid to tell her. He became aloof and did not contact her any more. He told himself he didn't care but deep down he knew that he still loved her and hoped his feelings would fade with time.

They didn't.

Eventually he made contact with the maiden again in the forest. She was happy to see the prince. They walked together and talked. The maiden said she was now with the other prince who was an honourable and fine man. He took her to visit his family. He liked to sing to her. He wrote her poetry. He was above all a reliable man. The first prince walked her to the door of her forest home and then kissed her goodbye. She walked away and the prince savoured the sight of her in the sunlight, her beautiful hair catching the rays, her lovely smile, and her slim body moving. Above all he loved her brown eyes...although in the dusk he could have sworn they were green.

Weeks later the prince had too much red wine after a royal stag hunt and sent a messenger with a note for the maiden. The maiden sent the messenger away but the prince sent him back. The maiden gave a note to the messenger which said "I am with company." The prince sent one final message that read "Have fun. How's the poetry?"

Next morning the prince was feeling unwell after so much wine and he believed he had done a terrible thing. He had insulted the maiden and been less than chivalrous. The prince's imagination ran riot. He imagined that the maiden would never want to speak with him again. That he had upset her and that she would now hate him. He also worried that he had spoiled her life.

The prince then decided that he should not see or even think about the maiden ever again. He had a wall built. A wall that ran the length of his side of the forest and too high to climb. It was also very deep so that no sound could penetrate it. The prince was sad but satisfied when the wall was finally complete. Now he could forget about the maiden and continue with his life.

Days became weeks, became months, became years. The wall became covered in moss and vines. It was pelted by rain and hail. It was beaten by the sun. The prince imagined that all manner of horrors lay on the other side. That the maiden hated him so much that she would never forgive his stupidity and drunken rudeness.

The prince believed that as his love and adoration of the maiden had been so strong, then the maiden must have equally strong, yet negative feelings for him.

In the prince's mind the wall kept back the hatred and loathing that he believed the maiden must feel towards him. He still cared about her and knew deep down that if he had the wall demolished, then he could find out exactly how she felt about him. But he kept the wall in place. Not knowing how the maiden felt meant that he would never have his heart broken by finding out that the maiden hated him, or worse...had forgotten him.

Eight years later the prince had explored the idea of courage and dignity. He realised that he could not live pretending to be honourable and brave if he did not have the courage to face the one thing that he was most afraid of. Finally he ordered the wall taken down. When the last stone was gone, the prince looked out over the forest. It looked exactly the same as it had all those years before. There were no monsters there, no men-at-arms hired by the maiden or her family to attack the prince, nothing except the beautiful forest.

The prince had trembling hands as he wrote a note to the maiden. It said he was sorry for his behaviour and that he hoped the maiden would forgive him. He added that he was also sorry it had taken so long for him to ask for her forgiveness. He despatched a messenger with the note.

Later that day the messenger returned with a note from the maiden. The prince shut himself in his chambers and when he knew he was completely alone he broke the seal on the note and read it.

It said:

"How lovely to hear from you again. How are you?"

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Two Princes

My latest book, Two Princes, out now on Amazon and Amazon Kindle.

A collection of stories from the last year of this blog.

Friday, 10 April 2015

The Stepford Twats

Defying even my cynical view of the world, this company have stooped to new lows of sexism, stereotyping and outright cretinousness.

The uniform policy of a local hotel group who clearly have no fucking clue, I have cherry picked the most awful bits for your reading displeasure. Comment in brackets by me (if I was unable to contain myself when copying this).

I leave them anonymous for the time being, but if the policy isn't changed then they will be named and shamed. It is intended to come into effect the 3rd week in April 2015.

The ****** Uniform


1. Glasses should be consecutive in style and colour.
4. Deodorants, antiperspirants must always be worn.
7. Ear piercing- one set permitted females only.
11. Charity wrist bands are not permitted.


Although the company does not provide a uniform, we expect individuals to contribute to the uniform standard.


A skirt is feminine and in most cases a compulsory part of the uniform.
Your jacket should be fitted and elegant. Go for dark colours such as black or brown.
If you have a blouse with cleavage, the blouse should not be deeper than one palm under your collar bone.


Stay away from light colours or pastel combinations.
Long sleeve blouse (Belated attempt at diversity or copy/paste?!!!), Shirt.

Hairstyles and Colour- Females

Hair styles are a totally personal choice, however the following needs to be adhered to:

1. Should not need constant attention.
5. Hair gel may be used to control a style and enhance the appearance, but not to appear wet.
6. Hair may be spiky (3-4cms) with a soft texture of the spike should have a natural appearance.

The following styles should be worn if hair is longer than collar length:

5. Braiding is not permissible. Where there is a culture difference, it is perishable.
6. Colour- Extreme high lights do not compliment our corporate image and are not permitted.

General Information- Make Up- Females 

Females must wear make up in order to enhance the individuals appearance and compliment their personality (for fuck's sake!!!) while maintaining company standards. Minimum requirements are:

1. Mascara- Black, brown or plum.
2. Eye shadow- appropriate colours
3. Lipstick/ coloured lip gloss should be reapplied regularly. Recommended colours of lipstick are Red, Pink, Coral and no extreme colours.

In addition:

1. Foundation- should match the skin tones and blend in well. Tinted moisturiser and self tan are suitable alternatives.
2. Blusher is optional- Powder/ bronzing will stay on for longer.
3. Eye liner is optional- enhance eye shadow colour.
4. Lip liner is optional.

Nails- Females 

3. No visible chips and all one colours.
4. Recommended colours are red, pink, coral, French manicure.

Footwear- Females 

4. Low wedge black shoes and plain loafers are permitted e.g M&S footglove range.
5. Kitten heels and ballet pumps are not permitted.

Contents of a Handbag- Females

1. Make up
2. Hand cream
3. Hairbrush/ Hairspray
4. Purse

Hairstyles & Colour- Males

4. Mohican style is not permitted.
5. Ponytails are not permitted.
6. Sideburns must not extend beyond the base of the earlobe. They should be trimmed and styled to compliment the hairstyle.
9. Moustaches must be kept neatly trimmed and should not grow over the top lip, or exceed the corner of the mouth (that's Movember fucked then!!!)
10. Colours should compliment rather than dictate the overall style. For all colours, individuals should be aware of the re-growth and maintain as required.

Make Up- Males

It is preferred that make up is not worn, but if some enhancement is necessary (what the FUCK?!!) the following is permitted:

1. Tinted moisturiser or self tan.
2. Concealer for e.g radiant touch or equivalent for men.
3. Clear mascara.
4. Lip balm is essential.

Foot Wear- Males

4. Boots, extreme styles, wedge heels or soles are not permitted.

The Most Important Ingredient- The Smile

A warm and confident smile will put both you and the other person at ease. A positive, smiley face will make the person you talk to immediately perceive you as friendly, helpful, positive and a person easy to work with (either that or a grinning imbecile). A smile is something you can wear without fearing it will get out of style (I am seriously losing the fucking will to live reading this drivel!!!) Make it part of your everyday attire and personality.

When dealing with something unpleasant, smile and immediately you will feel that everything will be fine. And so will everybody around you! (Hostages taken by Isis take note!!!)

FACT: It has been shown that 55% of a person's opinion is driven by physical appearance (the other 45% is formed by if you're the sort of cunt who'd write this).