Wednesday, 30 November 2016

The Adjacent Place

Recently things came closer. We resolved a lot of the unsaid, the untold and the unrequited.
I was never happier than when I looked into her eyes and told her I loved her.

And afterwards when we went our separate ways, it didn’t feel like one off my bucket list. It wasn’t an achievement. It didn’t make me feel like I’d won anything.

It was, is and always will be something so special that it just IS.

Then life goes on…

We move back into our respective worlds, the lives we lead folding around us like the petals on a flower as it curls up at night. I remember it all. The hesitancy, the first kiss. The shyness and the initial reluctance. The way she held my face as she kissed me deeply.

The dreams I have now are fitful and nervous. For most of my life I’ve dreamt of recurring places but never had recurring dreams. Airports, train stations, even oceans. Basements in buildings and steps within hotels that lead to hidden rooms, wings, even new locations.

Within those dreams I fret and I worry as I search for her and cannot find her. Where once those dreams were simply places of new adventures in old locations, now I am distracted as I think I’ll never see her again. I wander the dark yet warm streets in this dream world that I've walked since my childhood. A world I know most of very well, but some of it is new and frightening and continues to surprise me. 

Take those places as the metaphors of my life. I look and I search but I cannot find. I know she’s here but I cannot see her. I'm afraid that I will look and look and never find her. That one day my life will be almost over and I will still be searching for her.

The love I feel is not something I dreamed. I spent nearly a decade buckling under the weight of my own fear & heartache. Feelings that I and I alone caused because she never felt anything but kindness for me. Even when I was hiding from her, too scared to face my own emotions.

As I step through my life I feel that after having had such a beautiful moment, to have finally held her and felt her skin against mine, that this was all there will ever be. That I will fall back into an abyss of longing. Maybe I’ll dream of her again sometimes. Always as beautiful and never tainted by time. Never to wither or die. 

And then I realise that we have separate lives. We are not alone in this world. We rely and are relied upon by other people. What we had, happened in an adjacent place to both our worlds.

“I will never stop wanting to know you” she told me. But I knew then that this was something so true that it would exist as a separate oath to anything else.

To see her again, look in her eyes, smell her scent and hold her in my arms…all are things I want with all my heart. The adjacent place in our lives is where these desires become a reality. Where dreams and wishes that transcend any other rules can happen. This can’t happen in the normal worlds we inhabit, not now. This is something that can only live and breathe within a world that does not intersect our own.

There are over 4,500 physical miles between us.

I breathe deeply and I quash my fear, my paranoia and my suspicion. I exhale and stare into the darkness of the room, peace finally enveloping me.

I am not something she discarded. Nor am I an achievement. She has a life that does not involve me. She’s alive and happy and for that I am myself grateful.

I love you, I always will.

Even if we have to meet in the adjacent place.

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