Tuesday, 13 September 2016

The Negativity Burnout



Last night I was enjoying a glass or three of wine with some pals on the balcony of one pal's holiday apartment. Below us was the taverna that owns the apartments which was open air with a view over the bay of Plakias. All in all a very peaceful and pleasant way to get drunk.

After about an hour we started to think about going to eat. A taverna had been nominated and we were waiting on an extra person who hadn't yet turned up. She was Facebook Messenger-ing us to say that a chum from the Youth Hostel was leaving in the morning and he wanted to go to a different restaurant. There was some exchange of opinions before we decided to walk up to the taverna we'd chosen and hopefully scoop them up on the way.

Now, due to the events of this blog from 3 years ago (and also for having the temerity to write the blog), I am banned "for life" from the youth hostel. So...one guy went off to look for the errant dinner accompanier while another sat with me across from the eaterie and we decided to continue with the bottle of wine we'd started earlier. Before I could unscrew the top though, a shout of victory was heard wafting on the warm, evening breeze and our mate had clearly found our missing buddy.

Only problem was, there was a hubbub of voices and I guessed straight away that a big crowd from the hostel were coming too. This in turn meant that the hostel manager would possibly be with them. As I stood in the middle of the road, feeling like Daryl Dixon awaiting a herd of walkers, the crowd emerged from around the corner...with my least favourite person in the whole wide world ambling along with them.

Now...having had half a bottle of red wine my emotions were still under lock and key but unfortunately my judgment wasn't. I actually cannot fucking stand to even look at this guy without feeling angry but I decided that I wasn't going to have my evening altered or spoiled and nor would I spoil it for anyone else. I went to the mate who was leaving in the morning, whose gig it was, and quietly said that provided I didn't have to sit next to this cunt or in a position where I had to look at him while eating, then all would be well. He chuckled and replied "I'm sure that can be arranged".

Get to the taverna, a bit of small talk and chat and I chose a seat with 2 other people as a buffer  so I could eat my grub in peace.

Great plan.

Unfortunately things went tits up pretty quickly and mainly because I was drunk.

The first thing I did was to nip off to a bar 2 minutes down the road where a mate of mine was having a few rakis, to ask him to come over. Reason being is that he hates the hostel manager even more than I do. He was amazed the guy was there but politely declined the invite as he didn't want to eat in the same room as "that fucking dickhead".

I get back and the food soon arrives. So does the booze. I continue drinking and my mega plan of simply ignoring this guy proved hard to follow. Alcohol is after all, a depressant and accentuates negative emotions. I made a comment to my pal, two seats down. A few seconds later the One I Was Trying To Ignore then whispered something to him. I glared at him until he looked at me and shook my head in disgust then, after dwelling on it for a few minutes I asked my mate for a "word" and when he came over I demanded to know if anything controversial had been said into his ear. He shook his head and said the bloke was simply congratulating him on his farewell speech.

I think I asked him the same question at least 2 more times over the next 2 hours.

My stress levels were rocketing, my paranoia was at critical and when we left the taverna to go for a drink, my Not Friend pottered off back to the hostel with a posse of guests and the rest of us went to a bar.

Later, my drunken rambling about this guy to the assembled folk was not appreciated and it effectively killed the mood to the point where one person actually asked me to jack it in.

I felt aggresive, insecure and paranoid (not to mention angry) and all because I had chosen to go and eat a meal in the same room as someone I truly dislike.

Again.

I had CHOSEN to go and eat a meal in the same room as someone I truly dislike

The negativity burnout happened last night. While I have no regrets or shame about my feelings for this guy, I am simply making myself very miserable and alienating people by carping on about it and making it such a big deal.

The guy in question is sleazy and unpleasant BUT I could so easily avoid him and have a good time with him not on my radar, mind or wick.

I've realised that it's not the emotions I feel that are the issue. It's how I'm choosing to deal with them. Purposely placing myself in a room with this guy was the least sensible thing I could have done. We have mutual friends but being with them at the same time as him isn't going to happen again.

A mate of mine once advised me: "You can be happy or you can be right. You can't be both."


I'm happy to say...I think he was right.


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