Saturday, 24 September 2016

John's Polite Requests






Mother,


Aunt Bess recently got in touch to say you want to have a "truce" to discuss why I'm not talking to you any more.


Well, first of all a truce as you put it, would signify that there had been some form of hostilities between us. The truth is a little more mundane and can be described as me ignoring you as you are insufferable and stubborn and refuse to face responsibility for your past behaviour. Far from a "truce" the past 2 years have been more of a gigantic "Ignore".


That aside, if you do meet with me to discuss yet again what I've tried to talk to you about for the last 25+ years with absolutely no fucking success then there are to be a few polite requests from my camp.


Here they are:


1). You are forbidden to start any sentence with the words "I'm just saying" or "All I'm saying is".


2). You are also forbidden to use those words, in that order, anywhere else in a sentence.


3). If you talk to me LOUDLY AND SLOWLY to accentuate your frustration in that I cannot see the righteousness of your stance, then I will simply tell you to fuck off and then walk out.


4). Mentioning that you were forced to leave school to become a waitress at 16 by my grandfather because he said that he couldn't afford to pay for you to take your O levels (and then went on a safari holiday) is also out. You so much as fucking DREAM of thinking about mentioning this and I will throw something at you, tell you to fuck off and then walk out. I have spent most of my life being subjected to you moaning and whinging about this. It happened when you were 16, you are now pushing 68. Get the fuck over it.


5). Saying anything along the lines of "And there's that other thing, and I know you don't want me to talk about it so I won't but I'm just saying" violates rules 1, 2 and 4 and only illustrates your complete lack of respect for other people's wishes, not to mention your determination in bringing up this traumatic experience of having to actually get up and go to fucking work every bastard day like 95% of the population of the sodding Earth do.


6). Remarks about my clothes, long hair, tattoos, piercings or choice of vocabulary are also off the menu.


7). Assuming you are obeying rules 1 through 6 for more than an hour, you are forbidden to bring up anything I did as a baby be it sitting on a pony eating a Mars Bar (while sucking my thumb), saying "Ello Darling" like the Artful Dodger, or that I loved my toy unicorn.


8). If you fail to ask how my sister is within the first hour of us meeting I will simply leave without explanation. She hasn't spoken to you in nearly 20 years because of how YOU treated HER. Show some fucking enthusiasm.


9). Chats about my eldest cousin are also out. He may be paying 40% tax, work hard and have a lovely family but I still shudder at the memory of the time he replied "I lend people money who I know can't pay it back" when you asked him what he did for a living.


10). If I bring up the subject of my paternal aunt and you make ANY excuses to justify how you treated her (i.e. fucking appallingly) up to and after when she died, then I will also get up and walk out.


That about covers it. I've no doubt you'll find a way to take offence at everything or something that I've said above and use that as justification for not talking to me by claiming I've been rude so I'll make it even simpler for you with a second option below.


Second Option

Fuck off you old cow


There. Nice and simple.


I await your response.

John

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