Thursday, 9 June 2016


Last week I was doing so good. I was in control and I was calm and I was cool. Now...I'm like a child a week before Christmas. Things are moving now. Today the reality of just how little time I have to wait, dawned on me. We have talked and chatted and it was always months or weeks in the future. But I can feel my demeanour starting to crack at the seams. No longer calm and collected. In this moment I can feel the anxiety. That cold void in my chest that is so romantically called "butterflies". The knowledge that I'll be there, for real. Close enough to touch. No longer a vision in my imagination or on an unpredictable video call of frustrating clarity. Soon I will finally be there.

Part of me wants to run and hide, to be the coward I was for so many years. Cowardice breeds safety after all. Run away and never have to get hurt or suffer or know loss or dissapointment. A larger and stronger part of me wants this so badly that it aches in my stomach. This, that I never used to believe could ever be a reality. Now it will be real, imagination no longer my safety net for years of unexpressed and unkempt, chaotic emotions.

 Nerves and stresses I haven't felt in years have risen again. Adolescent incandescence. That churning of feelings that nothing except sleep can smother. Will I mess this up? Will I push too hard? Will I say or do something to change this beautiful thing and make it not happen?

I close my eyes and I imagine the meeting. The look, the clothes, the sounds around us. The expressions on our faces. The smiles of relief and joy and satisfaction that finally we made this happen. My armoured shell completely stripped away. No hiding. I have left the gates to my soul open. For once I will be completely "me" and no pretence or masks.

Nothing right now means more to me than this. I live, sleep, eat and breathe this beautiful thing.

It is happening soon. I want it more than anything.  


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