Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Too Many Apps




On my smart phone I have loads of apps.

I have apps for social networking. I have apps for telling me the weather. I have apps for recording phone conversations (necessary to override the protocols that prevent this on the bundled dictaphone app). Apps for planning ahead. Apps for playing games. Apps for listening to audio books. I have apps that block unwanted phone calls and apps that let me edit photos. I have an app that lets me keep track of my loyalty cards and apps that let me access my bank accounts.

Overall my phone is a veritable treasure trove of usefulness. Gone are the days when I first owned a decent mobile phone. It would have been 1999 before I got a proper cell phone. A Nokia 6110. I even forked out for a black keypad, to replace the rather horrid white one that came with it. The only gadget it had was the game Snake.



Now my phone can do everything except give me a blowjob. Although some entrepreneuring guy in Moldova has apparently come up with a bolt on and an app to allow that to happen if you buy the i-Phone 6s.

But I digress...

Back in the day a phone was a phone. It answered calls and provided your network supported it, would allow you to send and receive SMS messages.

I've realised just recently that all these apps basically shape how I view the world generally.

For example....

The app Should I Answer was installed after I forgot to put a false phone number down when filling in information online. Within 15 minutes some fuckspanner from British Gas phoned me up in a cheery voice to say he had "the deal of a lifetime". Should I Answer screens all calls and tells you if they have been flagged as spam by other people in the past. Only issue is that it will hold warning sigils over any number it doesn't know and isn't in my phone book. So when one of my employment agencies rang me today I was tempted to reject it as SIA was flashing up on screen to warn me that this caller was potentially some smelly spammer wanting to rip me off.



Similarly the Boldbeast Recorder app overrides the inability of the phone to record calls and a floating button appears when you're talking. At any point you can push it and the conversation will be saved as an audio file. This means my finger hovers like a thirsty mosquito above a fat woman's buttock, while I wonder if I should pull a sneaky one and covertly record what I've said (I've only done this once without telling the other party and it worked wonders. Some lying tart who'd told my college principal I was a crap teacher and demanded her money back. I got her on tape telling me how wonderful I was and how she'd regretfully had to pull out of English lessons due to her mother being terminally ill. Me and the Principal put it on speaker in his office and had a good laugh).

These apps and others shape my view of the world I interact with via the phone and it's made me realise that life itself is coloured and influenced by usage of mental and pyschological "apps" that affect how I perceive the world.

For example. One would be the Am I Gonna Get Hassled app. Having been extensively and routinely bullied at school (both Primary and Secondary) I still have an app in place that makes me nervous and/ or anxious around people that I think might cause trouble. Three or more lads walking towards me wearing too much jewellery, baseball caps and tracksuit bottoms. The app is old and hasn't been updated in many years, but those old habits are still there and while I can switch the app off before it takes up too much RAM, it still auto starts no matter what I do.



Another would be the Nothing Interesting Is Gonna Happen Today app. Currently signed off sick and in pain while I recover from a knee operation, I mooch around town on my daily "walk" to the tune of my own melancholy. It's a recently installed app but it gets updated daily with preconceived ideas about what's going to happen when I get outside and just how dull life will be...yet again. Thing is I went to the library today and it turns out that there's a butterfly farm in a town about 10 miles away. Never knew it was there even though I've been living here for over 4 years. The other app called Wallow In Your Own Limited World, was preventing me from seeing beyond my own self imposed isolation.

With regard to sex I am, like many other people, a downloader of the app called I Have To Be Good At This. Instead of just taking my clothes off and enjoying myself I feel I have to make the woman cum about 5 times just so I can say "I'm fucking hot!!!" I hold back on my orgasm for as long as possible and regard 'a quick bonk' as akin to ordering a Big Mac & fries rather than sitting down in a nice restaurant. This app is not helpful at all times because while it's made me what could be politely described as a 'considerate lover' it's also meant that I find it hard to relax as the app makes me believe I have to be a virtual superhero in bed.



Yet another app would be the I Only Want The Hard To Get which came bundled with the app called I Can't Get Over It. A woman I fell in love with 10 years ago now lives thousands of miles away, has married a nice sensible man and they have two beautiful kids. I still have feelings for her that I can't shift (although to be honest I don't actually want to) and these two apps together make me a practical Romeo of Unrequited Dreaming.



By far the most tiresome app and one that I've found hardest to delete (it appears to have rooted itself in the hard drive of my consciousness and self replicates each time it's eradicated) is the Take Everything Personally app.

I have Don Miguel Ruiz's book The Four Agreements on audio and listen to it sometimes. One point of the book is that absolutely NOTHING anyone does to you is personal as ultimately whatever is going on is about them and not you. The book goes so far as to say that if someone shoots you deliberately, it was NOT personal as it was something they were dealing with, you were just the focus of it.

In my life I used to, and to some extent still do, take things to heart. If someone did something obnoxious, rude or aggressive in my presence EVEN IF IT WASN'T DIRECTED AT ME AT ALL I would assume that that they were in some way saying "You're a pansy and I don't care that you're here so I'm gonna disrespect both this person and your feelings too."

This app could best be described as dangerous and one that is prone to viruses as a confrontational nature leads ultimately to confrontation. I've managed to downgrade to a lite version of the app as I've got older but still the hard wired bad ways sometimes rise up and try to override the new programming.

Overall I have far too many apps on both my phone and in my life. I would like to download a copy of Get The Fuck Over It, one of Dude Seriously?!! and maybe a first gen version of You Only Live Once, Enjoy Yourself.


Nuff said.


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