Friday, 10 April 2015

The Stepford Twats

Defying even my cynical view of the world, this company have stooped to new lows of sexism, stereotyping and outright cretinousness.

The uniform policy of a local hotel group who clearly have no fucking clue, I have cherry picked the most awful bits for your reading displeasure. Comment in brackets by me (if I was unable to contain myself when copying this).

I leave them anonymous for the time being, but if the policy isn't changed then they will be named and shamed. It is intended to come into effect the 3rd week in April 2015.

The ****** Uniform


1. Glasses should be consecutive in style and colour.
4. Deodorants, antiperspirants must always be worn.
7. Ear piercing- one set permitted females only.
11. Charity wrist bands are not permitted.


Although the company does not provide a uniform, we expect individuals to contribute to the uniform standard.


A skirt is feminine and in most cases a compulsory part of the uniform.
Your jacket should be fitted and elegant. Go for dark colours such as black or brown.
If you have a blouse with cleavage, the blouse should not be deeper than one palm under your collar bone.


Stay away from light colours or pastel combinations.
Long sleeve blouse (Belated attempt at diversity or copy/paste?!!!), Shirt.

Hairstyles and Colour- Females

Hair styles are a totally personal choice, however the following needs to be adhered to:

1. Should not need constant attention.
5. Hair gel may be used to control a style and enhance the appearance, but not to appear wet.
6. Hair may be spiky (3-4cms) with a soft texture of the spike should have a natural appearance.

The following styles should be worn if hair is longer than collar length:

5. Braiding is not permissible. Where there is a culture difference, it is perishable.
6. Colour- Extreme high lights do not compliment our corporate image and are not permitted.

General Information- Make Up- Females 

Females must wear make up in order to enhance the individuals appearance and compliment their personality (for fuck's sake!!!) while maintaining company standards. Minimum requirements are:

1. Mascara- Black, brown or plum.
2. Eye shadow- appropriate colours
3. Lipstick/ coloured lip gloss should be reapplied regularly. Recommended colours of lipstick are Red, Pink, Coral and no extreme colours.

In addition:

1. Foundation- should match the skin tones and blend in well. Tinted moisturiser and self tan are suitable alternatives.
2. Blusher is optional- Powder/ bronzing will stay on for longer.
3. Eye liner is optional- enhance eye shadow colour.
4. Lip liner is optional.

Nails- Females 

3. No visible chips and all one colours.
4. Recommended colours are red, pink, coral, French manicure.

Footwear- Females 

4. Low wedge black shoes and plain loafers are permitted e.g M&S footglove range.
5. Kitten heels and ballet pumps are not permitted.

Contents of a Handbag- Females

1. Make up
2. Hand cream
3. Hairbrush/ Hairspray
4. Purse

Hairstyles & Colour- Males

4. Mohican style is not permitted.
5. Ponytails are not permitted.
6. Sideburns must not extend beyond the base of the earlobe. They should be trimmed and styled to compliment the hairstyle.
9. Moustaches must be kept neatly trimmed and should not grow over the top lip, or exceed the corner of the mouth (that's Movember fucked then!!!)
10. Colours should compliment rather than dictate the overall style. For all colours, individuals should be aware of the re-growth and maintain as required.

Make Up- Males

It is preferred that make up is not worn, but if some enhancement is necessary (what the FUCK?!!) the following is permitted:

1. Tinted moisturiser or self tan.
2. Concealer for e.g radiant touch or equivalent for men.
3. Clear mascara.
4. Lip balm is essential.

Foot Wear- Males

4. Boots, extreme styles, wedge heels or soles are not permitted.

The Most Important Ingredient- The Smile

A warm and confident smile will put both you and the other person at ease. A positive, smiley face will make the person you talk to immediately perceive you as friendly, helpful, positive and a person easy to work with (either that or a grinning imbecile). A smile is something you can wear without fearing it will get out of style (I am seriously losing the fucking will to live reading this drivel!!!) Make it part of your everyday attire and personality.

When dealing with something unpleasant, smile and immediately you will feel that everything will be fine. And so will everybody around you! (Hostages taken by Isis take note!!!)

FACT: It has been shown that 55% of a person's opinion is driven by physical appearance (the other 45% is formed by if you're the sort of cunt who'd write this).

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