Wednesday, 8 April 2015

10 Reasons Why I'll Probably Get Married in Secret.

1. I won't have to sell a kidney and take out 3 mortgages to pay for fireworks, a band, a disco, a huge meal to feed 100 guests, a buffet for later, a bar tab, hire of the hotel room, a big fuck-off cake, champagne, a photographer plus all the free shit that people get at weddings.

2. No need to formulate a seating plan that will take at least a month and would put Field Marshall Hague's battle plans into the shade, working out which old bag of a great aunt (that I haven't seen for decades) can't sit next to which other great aunt due to an argument in 1976 over Her Sidney borrowing Her Dave's lawnmower and not returning it.

3. No speeches from the Best Man about something fucking shameful that I did at Uni/ on holiday/ while drunk that will almost certainly question my sexuality and imply that I've got a tiny penis (which I haven't). Or speeches from a patriarch on my side of the family about how he knew she "was the one" and how I never stopped talking about her and how he's looking forward to seeing what kids we can bring into the world etc. Speeches from the bride's father about how he didn't take to me at first but then I had done something selfless that had impressed him. As I'm an avowed movie buff this will probably involve references to the film "Taken" and unfunny remarks about how he asked me if I'd seen it the first time I met him and that he drew special reference to the plot being about a dad going genocidally batshit when his daughter is kidnapped. As I'm also a writer he will probably also rhetorically ask everyone present if they think his speech is as good as my last book.

4. Drunk twats who I struggle to remember the names of getting drunk and starting fights with other drunken twats. Later they turn out to be my wife's cousins or something.

5. The sight of fat, old, women in dresses a size too small (at least) and wearing hats the size of Monster Truck tyres.

6. Having to dance in front of everyone.

7. Knowing I'm expected to give my wife the seeing to of her life once we go to bed. As we have been up since 4am with no sleep, been standing most of the day and are exhausted from a mixture of adrenalin, nerves and anxiety (plus worrying about all the other 9 points in this article) neither of us will be up for more than a quick one in the missionary position. As I fuck her twice a day, every day up against the wall/ in the shower/ over the breakfast table/ while she's cooking's kind of a superfluous gesture anyway.

8. Knowing I will have to write "Thank You" notes for the pile of presents I've received. While some will be lovely and bought for us with genuine love and care, there will be some thoughtless arseholes who bought a load of tat and are still entitled to a  note.

9. Having to be "nice" to horrible cunts that I cannot fucking stand, from both families. Point 2 probably wouldn't even be on this list if I hadn't been forced to invite them in the first place.

10. Falsely smiling so much all day that I start to feel like The Chatterer from that first Hellraiser movie. The rictus won't wear off for a couple of days. 

1 comment:

  1. did a late shift, it was shite ... scumbag city ... you know the score Lance .... was pissed off so got home and have become slightly hammered ... read this post and it amused me ... then when I read the 'chatterer' bit I pissed myself ... excellent description!

    Decent post here ...... thanks for cheering up my otherwise crap day ... ;-)


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