Friday, 20 February 2015

The Flowering

As I hurtle onwards towards my inevitable demise that will one day greet me and take me into the great unknown mystery, a few things have begun to happen that didn't before.

For example:

I now have Classic FM as the default station on my car radio and also have a Beethoven CD in there too. I prefer the soothing tones of a symphony in C sharp minor, rather than the inane witterings of some insipid pillock on Radio 1.

Also I now find porn decidedly boring. It was never going to win any Oscars but watching two gorgeous people fuck each other would be highly entertaining if only they'd keep quiet and just get on with the shagging. Hence, I don't watch a lot of porn any more.

Finally, I've started buying flowers once a week and putting them on a shelf in a nice vase.

All this is stuff I wouldn't have done even a year ago.


I have realised in the last few days just how much of a car wreck I have made of my social and spiritual lives in the last few years.

I have a job I don't enjoy overly much and I only took it just over 3 years ago so I could save up to be with my girlfriend in Italy. That didn't work out so I defaulted to keeping the job and staying in the UK and simply "having an existence".

Now....I find that a simple trip to the gym has released a lot of my zest for life that I have kept locked away in the cupboard for quite a while.

I force myself to do quite a few things. Including having a good time. I realised this week that my life is in dire need of an overhaul. When you regard seeing 3 episodes of your 3 favourite TV shows in one evening as a "good night" it's time to self evaluate. Similarly going to bed and looking forward to having a wank is desperate to say the least.

Today I did the 300 work out at the gym, a training regime given to me by Greg, a big, hulking personal trainer. It's 25 to 50 reps on about 6 different pieces of equipment as fast as you can. After I had a 20 minute sauna and then a 15 minute jacuzzi. After I felt like I'd smoked marijuana but got home feeling that I actually wanted to do more than masturbate or play Nazi Zombies on Call of Duty: Word At War.

Wanting to continue on has been hard for me. I have risen in the Practitioner ranks of my favourite sport**, Krav Maga and now hold the grade of P4. Thing is, I only really did it for something to do. I am seriously considering not taking my 5th grade in a month and waiting until October instead when I'm actually ready. Reason being that forcing myself into things just so I can shout to the universe "Look at me, I'm still here and I'm doing stuff. I'm not gone yet" was something that has helped me for 3+ years but is now a defunct state of affairs within my set of useful tools.

Things that sustained me for so long, such as TV, downloaded movies and the internet now seem boring. I rarely watch TV anyway, but find it more and more vacuous as time wears on.

The flowering of my spirit was the switch being thrown that reactivated my love of life. Not just a self pitying shell of a man any more, but someone who actually wants to enjoy life again.

Flowers are at their most delicate when their petals are fully open....but that is when they are at their most vivid.

** Technically not a sport but a self defence system

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