Sunday, 21 December 2014

Extracting the Urine

After walking around town (last Saturday before Xmas, street market blocking off most of the main road) and finding not ONE police officer or PCSO on duty, I ventured to the local police station to report this fellow for taking a piss up against the wall of my house last Thursday.

Civilian Receptionist: "Can I help you?" (Pushes button, glass screen rises).

Me: "Yeah, I'd like to report a guy I caught taking a piss outside my house last Thursday. Was hoping to catch an officer in town but no one seems to be on duty."

CR: "What was he doing? You said he was taking the....?"

Me: "Not taking the piss, having a piss, outside my house."

CR: "So he was urinating?"

Me: (After a pause) "Is that the phraseology you'd prefer me to use?"

CR: "Yes please."

Me: (Starting to feel urinated off): "Well, this scallywag was vacating his bowels....sorry, bladder up against the wall of my house. I find that behaviour rather unpleasant. I'd like an officer to have a word with this ruffian."

CR: (Oblivious to the sarcasm) "What did he look like?"

Me: "I have a photo of him here."

CR: "You took a photo of him?!" (She squints and looks like I've broken a taboo. While she's inhaling to speak again I manage to speak first)

Me: "I took it later on when he wasn't urinating and I was in a public place and it's my camera so therefore I've done nothing wrong as in public I can photograph what I like." (I smile).

CR: (Looking at photo then calling her colleague over) "Dawn, do you know this guy?"

Dawn: "Looks local, think he's a Leamingtonite."

Me: "That's the adjective is it? I think he's got mental issues."

CR: "There but for the grace of God go the rest of us, not having mental issues."

Me: (Losing the will to live) "I'm ex police. I've done diversity training, if he's got enough mental capacity to tell me the rain is going to wash it away then he's cogent enough to walk to the bogs on Holly Walk!!!"

CR: (Taking notes) "So he was urinating while talking to you?"

Me: "Yes, I believe he was holding his penis in his right hand and a can of Strongbow in his left."

CR: "I'll get someone to call you tomorrow."

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