Friday, 25 April 2014

The Reserve Life

Parachutists have two chutes. In a badass sport that involves hurling yourself out of an aeroplane miles above the Earth and hurtling towards it at terminal velocity, it’s necessary to have a Plan B. So…a second chute is tucked away in the main backpack. 

It is invoked only if the main chute fails to open or becomes tangled. Like it says on the tin, it is a “reserve” chute, reserved for when the main one can’t or won’t open.

Easter Monday I spent in bed. Alone. All day. I went to sleep on Sunday at about 11.30pm, completely pissed off my face. I woke up at 10am and decided not to get up at all** I stayed in my pit until Tuesday morning when I got up to go to work. That entire time (roughly 33 hours) was spent mainly staring into the darkness and dripping sweat onto the mattress.

There were reasons I'm not going to go into for this self imposed, melancholic retreat into oblivion but the one good thing to come out of this monumentally indulgent feat of self pity was that I finally realised why I get in these states in the first place (especially after getting hammered over Easter weekend).

I have, for many years been deploying my Reserve Life instead of living a Main Life.
Most people have active social lives. If they don’t there’s a psychological issue or they are “different” in some way. I have friends and I have people to socialise with if and when I want to. I chose a long time ago to NOT have a social life and spend the majority of my non work time sitting on my own in my flat.

A better example would be that if most “normal” people are at home surfing Facebook or playing Call of Duty Black Ops II (zombie levels) for hours, it’s because they were let down by friends at the last minute for a night out or are ill or saving money for another day.

It’s NOT what most people do because they planned it to begin with, even for example going so far as to hunt down a copy of CODBO2 from Cash Generator so they’d having something to do other than get drunk over Easter weekend.

If “normal” people have nothing to do it’s possibly because they have neglected to plan anything for that night/weekend/ week…it’s NOT usually because they regard it as a normal state of existence.

And if “normal” people don’t have a boyf or girlf and haven’t had a shag in months it’s because they are working stuff out, have broken up from a painful relationship and are getting over it, or are just not interested in sex at that moment in their lives. It’s NOT because they regard being single and celibate as a standard status despite being reasonably good looking and wanking themselves dry at least once a day.***

Overall, that day (and a bit) in my darkened sweaty bed made me realise that I have not only remained in my comfort zones for a VERY long, self induced prison sentence BUT I was stepping back from even my comfort zones for fear of finding them too scary.

Don’t get involved can’t get hurt. As Simon and Garfunkel said “I don’t believe in friendship, friendship causes pain. I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock. I am an island.”

Thing is. I’m not.

I just made a sub conscious decision that I didn’t want to kill myself or actually die but really couldn’t be arsed with opening my main chute, my main life. I thought something like, “Sod it! I’ll stick with the reserve life until the silk tears.”

Writing this now and reading it back my consciousness has just decided to take my sub consciousness outside and give it a ruddy good kicking. By deciding to shy away from any semblance of a Main Life I probably believed I would be some cynical warrior of solitude. As it was I’ve been an unhappy and fairly morose bastard for a long time.

While people say, “Get over it and move on. You only get one life.” My reply was always, “Ever tried to tell a fire not to burn?”

Things need to burn out in their own time. My fires of self pity have finally smouldered to ashes.

Like James Bond in the beginning of Moonraker. I have now reclaimed a main chute (albeit I didn’t steal it in freefall off a bad guy).****

Kisses to all.


** Apart from to piss and drink water.

*** Actually 3 times that day I spent in bed. Thought it would help me sleep. It didn't.

**** This is still one of THE most awesome things they've ever put in a Bond movie. I mean this was before CGI. It took 92 takes!!! It ROCKS!!!

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