Saturday, 13 April 2013

Humility Is The Key

1970 to 2012

“Don’t say or do ANYTHING that might cause offence.”
I cant believe him! He said Im not a bloody socialist at work today. Hes NEVER going to get on with that attitude. You keep your opinions to yourself in the workplace. Thats just proof that me and him are totally incompatible!!!"incompatible!
“You said ‘Tory scum’ In front of her?!! She’s going to go straight home and say, “Her son was going on about ‘the Tory scum’ and I could lose my JOB!!!”
“I would do ANYTHING except something of a sexual nature in order to get what I want.”
“He was asked for help with a crossword and the stupid man filled it all in and handed it back. He’s NEVER going to get on with that attitude. People will think that he thinks he’s cleverer than them! Just proof that me and him are totally incompatible!”
You can’t sleep with your girlfriend in my house in case her mother objects because it might make my job very awkward. Yes, I know it’s none of her mother’s business! Yes, I know you’re 21 and she’s 20. Yes, I quite agree it’s nothing to do with her mother. Yes, I know we don’t know how she feels one way or the otherbut IF she objects it might make my job very awkward so you can’t do it!
“You told a grown up to ‘piss off’ for riding your bike on the pavement?!! What if it was one of my bosses?”
“You shouldn’t tell your Superintendent to ‘fuck off’ and refuse to stand up for him. He’s paying your wages. Yes, he is. Don’t swear at me. He’s paying your wages. Yes, he is. Doesn’t matter that he overruled the Inspector’s decision and says you have to work your Notice period now. He’s paying your wages. What are you supposed to say, you ask? I’ll tell you what. You should say ‘I’m sorry Sir, but I don’t think you’ve treated me very fairly Sir!”
“That fanzine he’s put together! It’s full of swearing. It’s about that horrible heavymettle music that he’s into. It’s full of swearing! What if one of my bosses sees this. Right! I’m leaving. I’m leaving. I’M LEAVING!!!”
“You shouldn’t be rude to her. She might know somebody who knows somebody at whatever job you do next. Just be polite. Doesn’t matter if she’s horrible to you. Just be polite. She might get you put on a blacklist so you can NEVER get another job!”
You said that you’d watched ‘Return of the Living Dead’ in my house with his son? He’s the same rank as me! I could lose my job now!!! Doesn’t matter that I let you watch it with his son. I didn’t expect you to be so stupid as to go boasting about it in front of his dad!!!
“Doesn’t matter if you get 50p  an hour, you need the money. In my old job I took shit…and I DID take shit. You won’t work for less than £3 per hour? Then you’re stupid. Yes, you are. Yes you are! Yes you ARE!!!”
“When you wrote that letter to the local newspaper criticising that local MP, did you think that maybe I’d had a hard week at work and I didn’t need the hassle right now? No you didn’t did you, because you’re a SELFISH LITTLE BASTARD!!!”



“You remember John Mulligan that you went to school with? I met his mother the other day. He’s just got a promotion with BP as, wait for it…International Marketing Director for the Chemical Division. She was over the moon about it. He apparently was asked in interview what he thought of his boss and he said he didn’t like him at all. They gave him the job. He’s in America next week, then Sweden the week after, and Spain and Dubai the week after that. They need somebody with an independent mind at that level you know. He’s moving with his family to Milan in a few months and…..”


  1. Fu*k 'em all, Lance!

    We are the truly wise, the sages who have found our own peace in making our own path through the world and having the balls to walk upon it!

  2. Actually all that cunty shite was from one person's mouth.

  3. They usually find cuttings like this in hidden basements in houses of serial nutjobs...


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