Sunday, 24 February 2013

A Chat With Michael


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You know Michael, I never thought you’d end up like this. It’s funny but at school you seemed invincible with your big arms, your bigger ego and your big group of friends. You know, the ones you called “Mick’s Boys” and in later life “The Sarrow Road Elite”. That last one made me wince to be honest. Was cool in that Elijah Wood movie, but for a little turd like you to call a street gang of other little turds….What’s that? You’re screaming too loud Michael. You want me to help you? Well, I’m not going to do that. You see I’m a decent chap at heart. I like children, I love babies, I give money to charity. Hell! I’ll even be nice to an old person, even if they’re rude to me. Compassion makes the world go round as someone may have said. But you see Michael, I want you to die here. Oh dear! You’re screaming again. That last bit struck a chord did it? You see despite my inherent niceness and a “live and let live” attitude I’ve also developed not so much of a “live and let die” (did you see what I did there Michael? Love movies myself you see) attitude but a “live and accidentally come across a cunt who bullied me at school, trapped under his motorbike in a field miles from anywhere…and watch him die” attitude.

When I saw the motorbike go flying off the road into this large corn field, you couldn’t have dragged me out the car fast enough to run over and see what was wrong. I hurtled through crops to assist and there I found you. Upside down and with your huge Kawasaki on top of you. Ever seen Mad Max? Very complicated Wiley Coyote-esque revenge that Mel Gibson takes on Johnny the Boy at the end. Won’t go into it now, but suffice it to say it involves a crashed vehicle and an evil cunt. Revenge is what it’s about.

Do you mind if I smoke? Well, too bad. I’ll just get comfy. That’s better, Now, you see the angle the machine is at in relation to you means that in a short while it will fall and crush your ribs into your lungs. It’s braced at that odd angle due to the impact with the dry earth. What’s that? Too much swearing in that Michael. Oh! You’ll give me money? How much? Not enough. Now where was I? Ah yes, shall I tell you why I’m going to smoke this fag and watch you die, trapped and helpless, screaming for help that isn’t coming? It isn’t I’m afraid. No, really it isn’t. I think fate had a hand in me finding you but this road is so far off the beaten track that even if anybody sees my car they’ll think I just nipped out for a slash. Screaming won’t help you. The sound carries too much, swallowed up by the vast nothingness in which we now reside.

Anyway, now you’ve finally stopped screaming and….err, thrashing around will just make the bike come down on you quicker. That’s a good lad. Stay still and I’ll tell you why I want to see you die here.

At school you were not so much a bully but a sociopath with a sympathetic Headmistress. That dopey bitch Mrs Coledon always believe in an innate goodness in all children. That’s true in most cases but in yours it was not so much a misjudgement as a libellous falsehood. Bullies (never liked the sound of that word, never carried the gravity of what bullies actually do to others) behave predictably. They sometimes have redeeming qualities, or grow up to regret their past behaviour. You on the other hand used to murder animals. Now Dexter on TV (ever seen it? Cracking show. Went off the boil by about season 6 in my opinion) has him killing dogs when he’s a kid. It’s a sign that he would develop into the lovable, blood spatter analyst/ serial killer we hate to love. However when you murdered Rebecca Robertson’s pet rabbit (in front of her if I recall) by getting your mate to hold it down and sticking a banger up its arse…you were merely suspended for a month and then allowed back. Mrs Coledon’s attitude was that you were very sorry, had signed a Good Behaviour contract and the future was bright. What Mrs Coledon failed to grasp was that poor Rebecca was so grief stricken by this that she killed herself by jumping in front of a train a few weeks later. Officially not your fault.

Problem was that you aren’t stupid. You grew up knowing you couldn’t be touched and that you could basically do what you wanted. You extorted money from people, burned their arms with cigarettes when they wouldn’t pay you (or sometimes for the hell of it), stole property, put people in hospital and were basically an evil little cunt.

Oh, that creaked a bit didn’t it? Think it’s about to come down on you. You sound a bit hoarse now Michael. Thirsty work waiting to die, I imagine. Least your screaming’s no longer giving me a headache.

You raped at least two girls that I know of. One whose father gave you the kicking you deserved but the other had to drop out of school. Again Mrs Coledon’s attitude was that you were a misunderstood little scamp. To be fair, you were expelled after the last one, but you had to be taken back a month later when the board of governors overruled the decision and agreed with Social Services that “you have rights too.”

In later life you modelled yourself on football hooligan movies like The Firm or Green Street and it’s well known that your gang of thugs murdered at least one guy from another town. Word of advice. It’s considered gentlemanly to pick on an opposing firm. Not some poor bloke out to watch the game on his birthday with his girlfriend who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I think that bike’s actually going to come down any minute now so I’ll be brief. I won’t help you. I want to see you die and while my interactions with you were limited (think you took money off me a few times and punched me once or twice) you have caused so much misery in the lives of so many….

Oh, beautiful! Fuck me! Never expected to hear the bones break like that. Heavy those Kawasakis aren’t they. Jesus, that must hurt! No Michael pushing it won’t help you. Ew! Glad I ate before I set off today. Thought it was just movies where people bleed from the mouth due to chest trauma. Struggles getting weaker…and, he’s gone. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael has left the building.

Ahhh, such a lovely afternoon. Birds chirruping, nice and sunny. Makes you glad to be alive.


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