Thursday, 10 January 2013

The Thawing


Today was one of those pissy, cold, fucky, cunty days when I was freezing as soon as I left the flat. I did the requisite “phlegmy sputum hop skip jump” down the alley outside as the chefs in the Italian restaurant have a habit of coming out the back for a fag and doing this:

“Hey, we make a nice lasagne today!!!”

“Yes! HACK-PUH!!! Anyway how is your sister?”

Feeling monumentally arsed off with having to go to work I glared jealously as I passed the warm people in Starbucks having a hot beverage and mooched on down to The Job.

My manager has a cold so his voice is like Vin Diesel with glasses and a tie.

“You auditioning for Riddick 3?”

“Errr…yes! If I knew what that meant!”

I got all the shite together and buggered off, muttering like a geriatric with piles but with my MP3 player on things weren’t so bad. Could hide inside my warm t-shirt, 2 fleeces and overcoat (plus neckerchief and woolly hat) and hunker down against the icy blast that was threatening to throw my spinal vertebrae out of alignment. AC/DC's greatest hits on full blast. That'll do it!

Got to a block of flats and rang “Trade” on the intercom. Nothing as it was too late and the timer had expired. Rang number 74. Just about to leave when a grumpy voice went “kkkk….what?”

“Let us in mate, got some deliveries.”

“kkkk…for me?” the voice crackled suspiciously.

Spotting the sign which read “RING THE BELL OF THE FLAT YOU WANT, NOT ALL OF THEM. Signed “The Residents” and being in a particularly shitty mood I replied.

“Yep, but even if there wasn’t, if you didn’t let me in I’d just take it all back so it’s up to you.”

Cue much chuntering but he let me in. Was expecting a row but he stayed inside his flat in the warm so I couldn’t vent my spleen at him.

Later on I had the joyous fortune to drop a load of stuff all over the road as I picked it up.

“FUCKING CUNT!!!”

A bloke smoking a fag out the back of a tyre showroom raised his eyebrows in disinterest but didn’t seem to care. Then a chirpy voice piped up.

“You didn’t want to do that did you?”

Not looking up for fear of a red mist descending, I replied “what me?”

Woman gets in her car near me and says “look on the bright side it could be raining.”

“I look on the brighter side. I wrote to Jim’ll Fix It twice and didn’t get a reply. Just think, I escaped getting bummed by Jimmy Saville!”

She giggles and drives off. Realising now that my freezing cantankerousness is going to get me into serious trouble, I try to lighten up. Next stop has a big fat secretary ogling Jeremy Kyle on ITV1. Topic today is “EVEN IF YOU ARE THE FATHER, I WANT YOU OUT OF MY LIFE.” Usual inbred chavs and androgynous women, with Kyle giving it the alpha male schtick, but flanked by two whale-sized bouncers. Couple of minutes of watching pond life arguing on national TV and I’m in a much better frame of mind.

Round the corner and a tyre comes off. Shit and double shit!!!

I ring work on 2 different numbers but both are engaged. Just then a rather delectable yet punky looking woman appears.

“What’s the problem?”

Tyre fell off. I’m not supposed to fix it myself.”

She smiles and says “let’s have a look!”

Before I can protest she bends over and is fiddling with the front wheel. Her arse is up in the air. A very nice arse it is too. I drink in the view for a good couple of minutes, noting that her shirt has ridden up and I can see her milky white skin. After a few more grunts she says “that’ll do it.”

I check and it’s right as rain. Embarrassed I say “You’ve both cheered me up and made me feel less of a man. Thanks.”

She laughs and tells me her name’s Natalie and adds “I’m the type of girl who has her own tool kit at home.”

She’s quite pretty but has a look to suggest she has recently come off substance abuse (in her twenties but a weariness in her face) and has “love” and “hate” tattooed on her knuckles. She says she’s into Jiu Jitsu and I tell her about Krav Maga, suggesting she take a class. We stroll up the road together and I ask “you single?”

She giggles. “No, I’m afraid not.”

“Oh well, can’t have everything. Thanks anyway, you’ve made my day”

I whistle through the rest of my shift, and glide home with a smile on my face.

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