Saturday, 12 January 2013

Regarding Billy

(Once again, this is FICTIONAL. I never went to school with anyone named Billy McIntyre and all other names are false. Billy is just a mash-up of every vile thug I ever met from 11 to 16).

Dear Rosemary,

This is the third time you have contacted me to ask me to donate money to Billy McIntyre’s hospital fund. I politely declined the first and second time but you have now sent an e-mail using the words “heartless” and “lacking in compassion.” This, despite the fact that I haven’t seen Billy in over 15 years. You seem to be under the illusion that because we went to school together, that automatically makes me someone who should dig into his pocket to help a fellow pupil out in his time of need.

You have pointed out that he is in a lot of pain, with pipes in every orifice and is higher than the Empire State building due to the amount of prescription painkillers his doctors have pumped into him. You waxed lyrical about his weight loss and how great it was to see him smile when you brought one of his 7 children to see him (I assume this was one of the younger ones from his recent dalliance with a woman 20+ years younger than himself).

As a courteously worded refusal appears to have missed the mark, I will make it clear (in words you will hopefully understand) exactly why I won’t be giving any money to you for Billy.

At school Billy was the dictionary definition of a bully. He used to flob down the back of the underpants of other boys as they got changed for PE and I remember once seeing him stamp on Justin Timpson’s fingers as he bent down to pick up a shoe (Justin had learning difficulties, but after this also had a broken thumb). As we were all scared of Billy we colluded with his story to Mr Johnson the Games teacher, that Justin had tripped and fallen over.

Billy once put a piece of dog shit in a packet of crisps and thought it was hilarious when Julie Bigton put her fingers in the bag. To be fair he got suspended for this, but got one of his many pubescent, female hangers on to beat Julie up as revenge. Poor girl eventually moved schools as I recall.

Billy once physically threw me across the width of the school bus because I didn’t get out of “his” seat fast enough. When I lashed out with a  kick in retaliation he then got two of his mates to hold me against the seat and repeatedly spat in my face.

An incident that lingers in my mind was when Mr Brown the English teacher slapped Billy and sent him home from class for smoking and using foul language in his lesson. Being a coward at heart, Billy went home and an hour later got his alcoholic, unemployed, former-bricklayer father to come into school and attack Mr Brown in front of his terrified class (myself among them). The police later refused to press charges as Billy’s dad claimed he had been provoked. Mr Brown was in hospital for a couple of weeks and to add insult to injury, had to teach Billy again.

The only time Karma intervened in Billy’s school life was when he tried his hard man routine on Mr Johnson in a football game one day. After fouling little Andy Rose deliberately and making him cry, he took a swing at Mr Johnson who proceeded to give him the thrashing of his life in front of everyone. We all cheered and the best bit was when Mr Johnson picked Billy up by the scruff of his neck, turned him round and pointed him at the direction of the school gates. He then booted him up the backside and shoved him hard, shouting “NOW GO GET YOUR FUCKING DAD!!!” Billy walked crying out the main gate, covered in mud with his nose bleeding.

Funnily enough, Billy Senior never turned up to speak to Mr Johnson.

Billy’s best moment was when he tried to rape Irma Mickleton in the drama cupboard when he was 15. Her screams could have woken the dead and it was only the intervention of the Headmaster and the Caretaker that stopped this from progressing. He was yet again suspended but not expelled or criminally charged because it was one word against the other.

So as you can see. I have nothing but contempt for Billy’s memory and to my knowledge his life since school has been a cycle of creating various little Billies with whichever barely legal girlfriened he was shacked up with at the time. This has been punctuated with spells in prison and heavy drink and drug usage.

The world will be a better place without Billy in it because basically Rosemary, Billy is a cunt

I hope this makes my position on this matter clear to you.

Don’t contact me again.


Lance Manley LLB (Hons)

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