As I now sit at home, guzzling Lemsip Ultra and hoping my head cold doesn’t blossom into full blown, phlegmy flu I have reached an equilibrium that is long overdue.
Maybe it was the 21st December “end of the world but only as we know it” non-event. Maybe it was the realisation that I turn 43 in 10 months. Maybe it was getting a jumper for Xmas…again.
Whatever it was, the foundations and brick work have now been finished and I can look back at my life and upon its potential paths to come, and realise that my anger and other negative shit have finally upped anchor and gone.
A long time ago I posted on here that without my anger I would become nothing. I was genuinely scared of what lay on the other side of all that pent up rage as I had known nothing else for most of my life.
Today I met and spoke to my extended family. We had a normal chat and things felt decidedly “normal”. I didn’t feel paranoid, anxious, insecure or afraid of being misunderstood around them. I wasn’t afraid that anything I said would be taken out of context or that I might inadvertently stand on a 5 year old’s new Lego set and break it. All in all, a pleasant and “normal” couple of hours with people I see about twice a year.
Not sure where this shift came from. It’s literally like coming back to find the tenant you couldn’t get rid of has simply packed and moved out, leaving the key on the hall table and the gas money in an envelope sellotaped to the fridge. There was no monumental struggle of serenity vs. bitterness, duelling with swords over the foetid pits of my unresolved anger. It was more akin to finally being able to lift an extra 5 kilos at the gym on the curling bar…but not realising until the 4th day you did it.
For years I’d been consumed by my hatred of a life that I felt had betrayed me. Unable to shift out of self damaging patterns of behaviour that did nothing except tie me down and lock me into a world of isolation, misery and loneliness.
I met a Canadian girl named Jody this summer in
She has a blog too, and it is one of the most inspirational things I’ve read in
a long time. Check it out
She embraced an adventure that a lot of us can only dream of and appears to have come out of it completely changed, albeit unsure of what a “normal” life will hold now that her travelling is concluded for now.
I never was one for believing in the Mayan calendar or white witches. However this recent shift (the day after the “world ended”) kind of makes me see that some things do align in our lives for specific reasons.
About 15 months ago I met a white witch while travelling. She offered to do a reading and when she took my hand she audibly gasped and after a few deep, sharp breaths said that my negative energy was draining her strength. Finally getting it together she said that many years ago in another life I’d been a soldier in command of many troops. I’d killed people and had been feared by my own men due to my anger. They eventually tied me up and then killed me due to their fear of me.
Can’t say that answers any questions except maybe explaining why I was so monumentally pissed off all the time.
We all move forward in our own ways. Some of us stagger. Some of us run.