Saturday, 6 October 2012

15 Reasons Why TAKEN 2 Is A Load Of Shit
(WARNING: Contains spoilers. So no bleating that I ruined this bag of badger’s guano for you!!!)

  1. Liam Neeson is a fat bastard this time round. Similar to Pierce Brosnan in Tomorrow Never Dies, as he’s an even bigger star by the 2nd instalment, he doesn’t have to lose weight.

  1. Stuart is relegated to an offscreen cameo (ie. a car drives off that he’s meant to be in). Can’t do this to Xander Berkeley.

  1. The film is certified 12A. The original was 15, then 18 on DVD. The fights are full of scenes of the bad guys trying to tickle Liam Neeson and him hugging and caressing them to death.

  1. Amanda (Kim’s pal from part one) is never mentioned at all. Bryan simply refers to “the dozens of girls sold into slavery” etc as opposed to “my daughter’s best friend who I found handcuffed to a bed, covered in puke and dead from a forced overdose of heroin.”

  1. Much is made of the bad guys’ love for their bretheren and their anguish that Bryan killed their “brothers, fathers and sons.” Then a bad guy shoots another bad guy dead…just so Bryan can’t use him as leverage.

  1. The “tender” scenes with Bryan and Lenore suck. While apparently meant to be touching, they are simply mawkish and play like a B-grade soap opera.

  1.  The ludicrous escape scenarios are like a bad example of The A-Team (and before anyone starts, I know Neeson was in the movie of that pile of crap too!)

  1. Is it really safe to lob live grenades around Istanbul like that…solely to pinpoint a location for fuck’s sake?!!

  1. We know Bryan is a bastard. So why give the bad guy time to try and shoot him, then kill him (by caressing his face…no I’m not joking!).

  1. “Go through that shop, take the first door on the left, down the alley for 100 yards. Turn right, go 200 yards then left again. Go through a red door until you come to a gate.” All this to a quasi-hysterical woman with no previous experience of pants wettingly scary, life or death scenarios. She remembers every fucking bit!

  1. Here’s a map, here’s a pen, here’s some grenades, look at the flags, which way are they blowing? FUCK OFF!!!

  1. After killing that many people Bryan, Lenore and Kim sit down for ice cream sundaes like nothing’s ever happened.

  1. If you were Jamie and you had ANY idea what Bryan had done would you even DREAM of trying to shag his daughter?!!

  1. Kim goes from “typical driving inept woman” who can’t parallel park to someone who wouldn’t look out of place driving for Red Bull in the British Grand Prix.

  1. Feel free to contrast with THIS blog entry, singing the praises of part 1.

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