Monday, 2 April 2012

The Surly Shopkeeper (with a ponytail) vs. The Red Bull Rooster

About 15 years ago my mate the surly shopkeeper was at university in Reading. He told me this tale of "long hair vs. baldy" fisticuffs.

“One night me and my mate Jason were out with a few mates and Jason’s one of the nicest lads you could ever meet. Blacks, Asians, Indians…everyone loved him. Always popular. Like an English Ferris Bueller. He ran up to me in a club one night, I mean we were steaming. About 1am and we’d been at it all night on the ale. Turns out some bloke had just nutted his mate in the face and laid him out cold. I went over with J and this bloke was standing there. Off his face on coke, wild eyed, animal stare. Ugly fucking skinhead. J thought everyone could be as nice as him and he walked over to ask the bloke what the problem was and the bloke nutted him as well, broke his nose. Blood everywhere. I thought “fuck this you evil cunt!” and ran over and thumped him in the face. He went down and I got on top of him, punching him. Next thing I knew I’m straight upright and wondered what the fuck had just happened. Turned out the bouncer had grabbed my ponytail and pulled me up by it.

Problem was they thought the skinhead was the victim as all they’d seen was me deck him. So they threw me, my missus and J out the back doors and “escorted” the skinhead out the front. Once they got him out they realised just how off his face he was and they called the Old Bill.

Police station was just across the road and I was talking to some of them and unbelievably this twat was stood on a traffic island opposite the club, ripped his shirt off and was screaming like the Incredible Hulk. Raging and screeching “COME ON, COME OOOON!!!”

Cops were ignoring it and I said “there’s your problem for fuck’s sake!” pointing at the guy who’s going apeshit 50 yards behind them. They just told me to move on and as I did I walked down the road and about 5 minutes later this cunt had followed me. He’s still wanting it so I turned round and thought “fuck this, not having it”.

I ran at him and it was a fairly steep road. As I got to him he punched me as hard as he could and grinned at me. I wavered a bit but stayed upright. You could see the fear on his face as he’d given it all he had, I mean he was a big bloke and all. He turned and ran and tried to get into a black cab. I piled in the other side as he got in the back and got him up against the door before he could open it again.

Put my arm across him to pin him against the door and punched him repeatedly in the face. He was a right mess and coz he was pinned he was screeching like a little girl as he couldn’t retaliate. I shouted “YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME OR MY MATES AGAIN YOU CUNT!!!”

Anyway, next thing I know the door behind me opens and I’m dragged out by two plain clothes CID who’d legged it over from the police station after the driver called the police on his radio.

Got nicked for Afrray. Other bloke too. Turns out he was wanted by the police and had been bailed but never turned up. Then after this the stupid cunts bailed him AGAIN. Surprise, surprise he never turned up.

In the end I got community service after it was downgraded to ABH. Best thing was in the interview. The detective turned off the tape and then said “to be honest mate, it’s about time someone gave that evil cunt a good hiding. Can I get you a cup of tea?”

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