Wednesday, 4 April 2012

The Surly Shopkeeper Goes To School

My mate the surly shopkeeper’s first day at a new school, 1985.

“I went to 6 schools when I was a kid. That kind of thing can mess with your head. You have to find new groups to belong to all the time. Anyway, new school and I was a bit nervous. My old man always told me ‘stand up for yourself. Anyone hits you, hit them back as hard as you can’. So I was nervous like. I was with my brother who was about 8, all snot and marmite. Anyway, we got to school and there was this kid. A right little prick named Joffrey Cullen. Hated his guts soon as I met him. Thought he was cool. Popular with the girls, good looking, ended up taking about five A levels. Problem was, he also thought he was hard.

So we get to school and it’s football on the first day in games. I’m on the same team as Joffrey, the twat. He’s captain and he’s screaming “give it to me, give it to me” as I was dribbling it up the field. I didn’t as you’re like that when you’re 10 and I wanted to score. So I took it all the way up and epically failed when I booted it at the goal.

Next thing I know, you’ve got Joffrey right in my face, poking me repeatedly in the chest going, “after school you cunt, after school. You and me, after school”.

So I thought I’d try and avoid it, didn’t want to get into a fight on my first day. Course, soon as we left the school gates at 3.30, he was on the grass beyond the playing fields with five of his mates.

I was with my brother and I thought “I’ve got to deal with this, if I run it’ll just make it worse”. As I walk up all 6 of them put their bags on the ground and Joffrey runs at me. Took a big fucking swing at me but it was pathetic, like a big haymaker but no force behind it. I ducked and then punched him twice in the face. His legs went out under him and suddenly he’s lying on the floor. Blood all over his face, pissing out of his nose. He was lying there crying, shouting, farting. His mates just stood there.

Me and my brother walked home and I was floating on air. Couldn’t wait to get home and tell my old man that I’d won a fight on my first day at a new school.

Know what he fucking did? When I got in and told him he leathered me and threw me out. Said I’d embarrassed him”. 

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