Sunday, 1 April 2012

The Future of Policing in the UK...The S.J.S

While strolling past Warwks Justice Centre today I had this flashforwad of the future.

When everything falls apart and G4S and their ilk have buggered up everything even more, we will in a few years move to a separate police force, like the Carabinieri in Italy (invented to police the Sicilian Mafia) and the Gendarmeri in France (invented to scare people to death). They will be differently trained, equipped and answerable to no one but their senior officers. They will be deemed a "last resort" but will take up normal patrols alongside their condiment and stick-bearing bretheren. They will act as normal police, however if a situation demands it, they will use pre-emptive force, have guns and will not hesitate to shoot if the first warning is ignored.

They will be feared and respected (not out of love but from the fear) and the cry will no longer be "leg it, they've called the Old Bill" but instead "leg it, the Old Bill have called the SJS!!!"

The fitness test for entry will be high, Race & Diversity training will be one hour (and only to warn them to be careful) and they will have a separate statute governing not only their creation but how they conduct themselves (Reasonable Force +1, Hindsight Irrelevancy Clause).

Within a couple of months of their creation the public will have realised these guys do not fool around. While cretins will still rip the piss out of PCSOs and beat Bobbies, they quickly learn the hard way the price of making fun of the SJS (one warning, followed by immediate arrest, attempts to resist with force met with immediate use of tazer, baton, spray or even a fist).

They will be the Special Forces of the police, used for routine patrols but the government will not have the courage to admit they are needed to replace the old style of policing so will have a two tier system. Their mindset and training will dictate that they are perfectly capable of being nice. They can help little old ladies, give tourists directions and search for lost kids (they will probably draw the line at posing for photos though). However, if you cross the line you will find out very quickly that they are capable too of being the kind of bastards you had nightmares about as a kid.

Accusations of brutality or corruption will be dealt with as before. BUT the officer in question will continue to serve until such evidence presents itself that the officer 100% deserves to be removed from active duty. Violent suspects will be dealt with judiciously. Their OST will teach them to aim for groins, knees and elbows. They will learn Krav Maga and Kali.

They will also have only four ranks. Officer, Senior Officer, Deputy Chief Officer and Chief Officer. No-one bar the top two ranks gives a shit about promotion as a Senior Officer is merely someone who has proved his or her mettle, ability to plan and leadership skills in the field.

In any incident that falls under their remit, they take precedence over the normal police, even if Bobbies are already on scene. So an Officer will have veto over how to handle a spontaneous football riot NOT the Chief Inspector whose boys and girls are waddling around in high-viz “helloing” all the pissed up hoolies.

In areas where they patrol violent, sexual and theft related crimes drop by 85% in 6 months. London and other big cities have the biggest drops in crime. Smaller towns notice a reduction but not by as much due to the fewer SJS on patrol. Areas with them only on mutual aid callout will have a tough time, but there will be a nudge in the figures even there.

One will be attacked off duty one night while out with his wife after being recognised by a former arrestee. He will badly hurt the man, kicking him in the testicles and breaking his arm. However no charges will be brought as an objective and swift investigation proved what everyone already knew. Also the SJS are assumed to be at risk and any off duty incidents involving violence are automatically dealt with swiftly, objectively and with an assumption that the officer is innocent.

Finally they will be trained in everything they need right from the start. The Red Key, Advanced pursuit, all types of vehicle, every rifle or pistol they may ever fire and public order level 1 will be given to them from the get go. The entry requirements demand leadership skills, proven stamina (both physical and mental), endurance and intelligence. Anyone scoring below 85% on the entry test is binned. Candidates can apply only twice.

SJS stands for “The Special Judicial Squad”.


  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  2. Because this kind of thing has worked so well everywhere else it's been tried... (where's that sarcasmicon...)


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