Thursday, 8 March 2012

The Surly Shopkeeper

Story told to me by a friend of mine in Leamington Spa who lives near a "hostel" for homeless teenagers who pay £5 a week rent (3 bedroom house in a formerly nice terraced road where property prices have slumped since they converted no.56 to "Chav Halfway House").

He has a cash and carry card for his shop and bought some expensive Bulgarian beer (that you can only get in the c&c....or Bulgaria) for a bbq for himself and his mates. They drank half and nipped out. Came back. Beer all gone. He knew straight away who'd taken it and marched up to no.56. He shouldered the door open as soon as a grotty 19 year old opened it and found 5 cowering Chavs in the lounge.

"Which one of you cunts stole my beer?!!"

"Wasn't us mate, don't know what you're talkin' about like"

He spies a half finished bottle of his beer peeping out from behind the sofa.

"So what the fuck's THAT then?"

"Look mate, you're trespassing, we'll call the Old Bill if you don't..."

He snaps, grabs the bloke and slaps him then proceeds to drag him out into the street. Bloke is squealing like a stuck pig as his mates do nothing but stare in horror at this formerly unknown variant in their lives (i.e. retaliation to their wretched behaviour).

My mate's friends then arrived and pulled him off the lad, but not before he'd dished out a few more slaps and kneed the bloke in the crotch. As terrified Chav lays on the floor holding his nuts my mate screams "IF YOU EVER STEAL FROM ME AGAIN AND I'LL PUT YOU IN THE VAN, DRIVE YOU INTO THE COUNTRY AND BREAK YOUR FUCKING LEGS. YOU UNDERSTAND?!!"

He had no more problems until today when a new, possibly female addition to the house came in to his shop and asked him for a £6.50 phone top up. (I am SO glad I got to witness this).

"We don't do them. A fiver or three quid”

“Ok, I’ll have one for a fiver and one for three quid like innit”

“I`m not doing that, waste of paper. One or the other”

“Other shops do it you FUCKING DICKHEAD”

My mate stares at her in disbelief and then shouts GET OUT OF MY SHOP YOU GOBBY LITTLE SLAG AND WASH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH OUT!!!”

She stares back, starts to cry and turns to her boyfriend who’s loitering in the doorway.

“You gonna lettim speak to me like that?” she wails.

My mate glares at her boyf and snaps “come on then if you think you’re hard”.

Boyfriend decides to forgive this affront to his good lady’s dignity and honour and backs out the door, knocking over his bicycle that was leaning up against the wall.

My mate turns to upset Chavette. “I said GET OUT”

She scurries out and I finally burst out laughing. My mate looks at me and says “sorry you had to see that”.

I eventually manage to breathe normally again and reply “don’t apologise. You’ve just made my decade”.


  1. Brightened my day up! I love to see the scrote's faces when they hear 'No' for one of the first times in their sctotey existence.

  2. ExRNnowPoliceStaff8 March 2012 at 18:21

    Oh eff I'm laughing out loud at that, it's priceless, both stories. Cheers for the link from the Gaffer's blog

  3. Lance, just read your book, found it frightening, glad I am retired and did not go through that shit. SIlly question, but have you changed the names to protect the innocent. ER

  4. Chav is as chav does.



  5. hi lance, not related but been reading your comments on the guvs blog. any way i can get in touch with you about km? im interested but not sure how to find a reputable class.

  6. If you go to my email is on there and you can contact me through that.

  7. The shopkeeper

    I dont work 13 hours a day , for some spineless, work shy , inbred, gangster wannabe , to steal my hard earned possesions.He wasnt so tough when he got my size 12 boot kicking his head like a football!And to think my taxes go towards keeping this lowlife in spliffs and addids trainers!

  8. Just found your site makes me :-)


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