Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Port Out, Starboard Home

Near my flat we have a number of shops. Some are posh, some are normal. I live in Royal Leamington Spa which is so posh that the new series of Upstairs, Downstairs was filmed here (or as I like to call it, Posh Fannies).

In a case of life imitating piss taking, a hair salon nearby, charging 25 quid for a trim is staffed by three of the campest blokes you could ever meet. All talk like they've been inhaling helium and at Christmas the youngest one dressed up as a chicken.

Further down we have Bang & Olufssen. A hi-fi shop so posh that they have just one system in the window and a spartan display of other merchandise as you walk in. Men who work in there are all very po-faced and use the minimum amount of vocabulary. They assess you like the Terminator as you walk in and are formally polite yet show no warmth.

Further down we have a posh make up shop. Staffed by young ladies between 18 and about 25 they all have pretty faces (albeit one or two covering acne with foundation) and most have nice arses. They are chirpy and jovial as you walk in and reccomend 30 pound bottles of men's moisturiser to thwart the lousy English weather.

As you get to Timpson's the key cutting specialists you find a grizzled older chap in an apron, who is polite yet cracks a few jokes. He is accompanied by a surly apprentice who gets told to do the lackey jobs and rarely smiles.

All of these places could easily feature on "UK's Best Shop Charicatures"....were it not for the newly opened Farrow & Ball paint shop.

F&B are an established and ever-so posh paint company that sell tins and tins of very expensive paint and nothing else. They are the bespoke tailors of the tins of paint world and their product has even been used to renovate Warwick castle. The Royal Family themselves are supplied by F&B and their reputation is second only to the Thai Elephant restaurant a 4 minute walk away.

However...

As you go in they are staffed by utterly scrumptious birds!

Not "reasonably good looking" or "a bit tasty" but every single one in there is well fit. The juxtaposition is odd. Like something from The Stepford Wives you have women with nice arses selling 56 quid a litre matt finish.

I asked one of the girls today if there is a company policy against employing mingers.

She giggled and thanked me for the compliment.

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