Saturday, 31 December 2011

“When I Was…” Tidbits I Never Thought I Could Casually Slip Into Conversation…But Now I Can.


  1. “When I was at Southam zoo and met Chris Tarrant who was there to film the Pantig” (1978)

  1. “When I was 16 and won Odeon Young Film Critic of the Year and had a regular column in the Kenilworth Weekly News reviewing videos (usually of a higher certificate than I was legally allowed to watch…which no one seemed to notice).” (1987)

  1. “When I was front row at a Transvision Vamp gig at Lanchester Polytechnic (now Coventry Uni) and 6 months later a photo taken from behind the band, looking at the audience was centre spread for their 12” single of “Sister Moon.” (1988)

  1. “When I was mates with a roadie for punk band The Macc Lads and they asked us to do pit security for a gig at Manchester International 2 which got to be on their “Sex, Pies & Videotape” concert video and I was in it and had my name in the end credits.” (1991)

  1. “When I was at the Ramones concert at London Astoria and met the girl who ran the British fan club. She got me on the guest list for the gig at Leicester Uni the day after and got my album sleeve for “Adios Amigos” autographed by CJ and Marky. I also caught Johnny Ramone’s plectrum that he threw into the crowd (and still have it)” (1995)

  1.  “When I was in Rome teaching English to Italian MPs at the Houses of Parliament.” (1997)

  1. “When I was in the VIP area for The Spice Girls concert in Rome and constantly distracted by screaming little girls asking their mothers (and Sporty’s dad) sitting in front of me, for autographs.” (1998)

  1. “When I was involved in a cyber romance with a girl in America who wanted to come to Milan and visit me…on the understanding that we would almost certainly end up shagging. She was 18, I was 29. Her father did everything he could to stop her coming until I e-mailed her mother who decided to believe I wasn’t a predatory, religious kidnapper and intervened. Girl returned home 2 weeks later not pregnant, not brainwashed and not dead.” (2000)

  1. “When I was doing my first parachute jump just after having eaten a greasy cheeseburger and afraid that I’d puke as we somersaulted twice, tumbling from the aircraft 2 miles up.” (2001)

  1. “When I was best man at my mate’s wedding in Gretna Green, Scotland. Made more surreal by the fact that he’s gay and his wife’s brother is his ex-boyfriend. They married so he could legally stay in England and adopt her son” (2002)

  1.  “When I was reading the back of the UK DVD release of the movie “Bronx Warriors” and realised the publisher had stolen my review of the movie from” (2003)

  1. “When I was shocked to find out that the winning bidder on the auction of my two “Bronx Warriors” DVDs on Ebay was the movies’ director Enzo G Castellari.” (2004)

  1. “When I was in Chisinau the same time as Scotland played the Republic of Moldova in the World Cup. Went out drinking with the Tartan Army till 5am.” (2004)

  1. “When I was sitting opposite Enzo G Castellari in Rome interviewing him for my website dedicated to his Bronx Warriors movies. He also paid for coffee and a bun after.” (2004, 2005)ç

  1. “When I was a Special Constable with the City of London Police and was on duty on July 7th 2005, a few hours after the terrorist attacks. I was controlling the cordon at Aldgate Tube station and met Ian Johnston, the Chief Constable of the British Transport Police.” (2005)

  1.  ““When I was a Special Constable with the City of London Police and was on duty on July 21st 2005, a few hours after the failed, repeat terrorist attacks.” (2005)

  1. “When I was an auditionee for Big Brother and even though I didn’t make it, got to be on Celebrity Little Brother with Dermot O´Leary. He walked on set and said “I hope you´re all glad to be here” then did a double take at me and said “except you, who’s obviously going to punch me. I also got to slag off John McCririck and Jackie Stallone live on air.” (2005)

  1. “When I was at the City of London Police Special Constabulary annual dinner and I got my photo taken with James Hart CBE, QPM, the Commissioner.” (2005)

  1. “When I was an auditionee for Big Brother and even though I didn’t make it, got to be on E-Forum/ Big Mouth with Russell Brand. He slapped the guy sitting next to me for talking over him, not realising the dude was having a fit. I escorted the lad off set. Luckily for Russell this was a dummy run and not televised. Unluckily for me as my heroic level headedness went unnoticed by the media.” (2006)

  1. “When I was on a blind date and the date turned out to be a survivor of the Tavistock Square bus bomb from July 7th.” (2006)

  1. “When I was the winner of the Ferrers Trophy for attending duty on July 7th (along with all other City Specials who rocked up that day).” (2006)

  1. “When I spent 4 hours face down on a tattooist’s bench in Crete, Greece to get a fallen angel tattoo on my back” (2008)

  1. “When I was so angry at how I’d been treated by the police that I wrote and had a book published about it all called STAB PROOF SCARECROWS.” (2010)

  1. “When I was in Crete, just after having passed PADI Advanced Open Water Scuba Diving and got a job working for NATO collecting rocket drones from the ocean which had been shot down by Patriot missiles, 25 miles offshore.” (2010)

  1. “When I was sitting in front of the Assistant Chief Constable for Professional Standards for my old police force for my much belated Exit Interview. Found out later that NO ONE had ever got an exit interview with a rank that high before unless retiring on a full pension…let alone a probationer who had resigned citing bullying and disability discrimination as motivating factors” (2010)

  1. “When I was told by my former police Inspector that he couldn’t sleep for a week after having read STAB PROOF SCARECROWS and that he is so grateful for how I portrayed him in it (nothing short of heroic) that he read his bits to his 3 children…but wouldn’t give them the book to read due to the swearing.” (2010)

  1. “When I was learning Krav Maga in Rome, taught by an Italian Police Superintendente” (2010)

  1.  “When I was standing in the surf just off Plakias beach in Crete kissing my girlfriend and I asked her to marry me, just as the sun was setting.” (2010)

  1.  “When I was invited to give a speech on Political Correctness to English language students in Tampico, Mexico. None of them could believe I was telling the truth.” (2011)

  1.  “When I was reassuring the parents of my 12 to 15 year old English students that I would NOT accept Facebook Friend requests off their kids. They all looked at me and went “why not?” Turns out phobia of paedophiles masquerading as teachers is limited to the UK (and possibly the US).” (2011)

  1. “When I was invited to march at the vanguard of the Remembrance Day parade by the British Legion…simply because I turned up and asked if I could join the march in order to pay my respects to my grandfather who fought and was injured in WWII.” (2011)

  1. “When I was told that my former Chief Inspector for Training publicly decries STAB PROOF SCARECROWS yet reads the bits she believes are about her to graduating probationers at their Dining In nights (she also signs e-mails to me with the character’s name).” (2011)

  1. “When I was teaching in Tampico, Mexico and my girlfriend texted me to say “don’t take bus, we’ll pick u up. Gunfight near u”. We drove home to see bullet holes in shop windows nearby.” (2011)

  1. “When I was writing my New Year’s Eve blog and awaiting the arrival of my cat tomorrow morning from the Cats Protection League. Still haven’t thought of a name for her yet. Any ideas….?” (2011/12)

Wonder what the future will bring.

Happy New Year.

1 comment:

  1. Happy New Year - ya' old sunumbitch! We haven't forgotten you here at ATS in Tampico - but who's going to give the Political Correctness lecture to my students this spring, eh?


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