To make you all smile from the heart of your bottoms.
I had an interview at the local branch of a national supermarket chain last night. It lasted 2-ish hours and involved group work and designing advertising posters. Fact I kept my temper and didn't walk out is a miracle.
1). Being asked “are you here for the Magic?”. I wondered briefly if she was going to get on her knees or offer me illegal stimulants but no...that's what they call their recruitment sessions.
2). Being told that I could be a “queue buster”, “finder”, “festive finder”, “go getter for a forgetter” or an “evening service hero”.
3). The sign at the bottom of the stairs leading out of the staff area which said “Are you wearing your badge? Don’t forget to smile”.
4). Designing a poster for the festive period with 5 other equally bemused wannabes.
5). 6 of us doing the poster work, but only 4 chairs. Me and the only other bloke in our sextet remained standing and let the women have the chairs. Not sure if this will be a brownie point for chivalry or a without-milk mark for being a misogynistic dinosaur.
6). Finding out that the lowest ranks are referred to as “colleagues”.
7). The bloke who said “I had a brainstorm” then paused and asked in a cold sweat “can I still use that expression?”
8). His visible relief at being told he could.
9). Discovering that if I don’t get a job but have my name held on file for future vacancies I will be officially called a “silver medallist”…(ironic as I always come second anyway).
10). Meeting my old primary school teacher in the car park on the way out who I haven’t seen for 28 years who gave me the excellent news that my old twat of a headmaster is now dead.
11). Finding out that if I am offered a job I will have to do 3 intranet training packages, one of which will be on our chronologically challenged friends Race and Diversity.
Magic: Role play-based interview and group work lasting 90 minutes, overseen by grinning people holding clip boards.
Queue buster: someone who opens a new till to save people standing in line for hours.
Finders: Staff who locate items for the geographically challenged.
Go Getter for a Forgetter: NOT a Eurovision song contest entry by an X-Factor runner up (but fairly self explanatory).
Evening Service Hero: Any poor sod who works nights on home delivery.