Saturday, 19 September 2009

The African Oil Diaries

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A few years ago I received an email from some twat in Africa, claiming to be the dispossessed heir to an oil fortune.

As I was bored I set up a false email and wrote back (louis friend is an anagram of iron sulfide or "fools' gold"...c'mon you've seen Silence of the Lambs right?)

The greedy little shit fell for it and started communicating with me although he eventually sussed I was taking the piss (albeit long after he should have) and pulled the plug.

Enjoy...

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----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Monday, August 02, 2004 11:27 AM
Subject: WANT TO INVEST IN YOUR COUNTRY

 Dear friend,

I know this might come to you as a suprise because we have
not met before.
But however, I am the first son of His Royal Majesty Chief
Rafiu Allotey, the traditional ruler of Eleme province in
the Oil area of Rivers state in Nigeria. I am making this
contact to you in respect of US$21M (Twenty One Million
United States Dollars), which I inherited from my late
father.
This money was accumulated from royalties paid to my late
father
as compensation by the Oil firms located in our area as a
result of oil presence in our land, which hampers
Agriculture which is our main source of livelihood.
Unfortunately my father died from protracted diabetes. But
before his death he called my attention and informed me
that he lodged some funds in a box with a security
firm(bank)
with an open beneficiary.
The lodgment security code number was also revealed to me,
and all documents also in my possesion which i will forward
to
you.
He then advised me to look for a reliable business partner
abroad that will assist me in investing the money in a
lucrative business as a result of Economic instability here
in
Nigeria. So this is the major reason why I am contacting
you for this money to be move from the security firm(bank)
for
investment
purpose.
And you will be the ultimate beneficiary, so that
the funds can be moved in your name and particulars. Hence
my father had intimated the security firm(bank) that the
beneficiary of the box is his Foreign partner whose
particulars will be forwarded to the firm when due.
I hereby guarantee you that this money is not Government
money nor is it drug money and it is not money from arms
deals.
I hope this will be the beginning of a prosperous
relationship between my family and your family.

Please contact me with this email address gatey1966@o2.pl

I await your response.

GABRIEL ALLOTEY


----- Original Message -----
From: "Louis Friend" Sent: Tuesday, August 03, 2004 7:23 PM
Subject: Re: WANT TO INVEST IN YOUR COUNTRY

 Dear Gabriel,

Thank you so much for your considerate letter. I am currently saving up for
pioneering colon cancer surgery and this money would undoubtedly be very
useful for such a major operation (due to the awfully underfunded NHS in the
UK I am having to fly to Marakesh to have the surgery done by renowned bowel
specialist Dr Desmond Postelthwaite MD who practices from a small surgery in
the remote Marakesh village of Umbanigawa).

Why did you choose a divorced 57-year-old man who lives with his bedridden
mother? I can only assume that God has brought you into my life at this
time.

Please send me all the information you have.

Awaiting your response my friend.

x
Louis


----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 2004 4:58 PM
Subject: Re: WANT TO INVEST IN YOUR COUNTRY

 Dear Louis,

Thank you for your speedy response to my mail. I am very much
optimistic that this new relationship will be mutually benefiting to us both. I also use this opportunity to wish you sound and better health and wish that this funds in questions will lead to your healing.
As I informed you earlier this funds came about as a result of oil
royalities paid to my late father by oil companies operating in my
ancestrial land. What basically I need from you is for you to act on my behalf in claiming the funds form where it is presently domiciled in Europe. I would also want you to assist me invest in any viable venture you deem fit in you country. This is taking into consideration that I have never been out of the shores of my country and such do not have experience in such complicated financial arrangements. For certain reason I would
explain to you over time, it is also impossible for me to travel now. I
can only travel at least in the next 5-6 months in which I would want to
come over to you country and claim my share of the funds and
investments made.

First and foremost I would wish to have your confidential phone and fax
number for easy communication so I could call and discuss with you. I
would also like to know the sort of business you are presently involved
in and your suggestion on types of business you intend investing my
funds in. I would want you to also guarantee me of the fact that you have
a capacity to handle funds of such volume successfully. Lastly, I would
like you to confirm to me your capacity to transport yourself to Europe
if required. Also confirm if you are capable of handling this transaction taking into consideration you health. For instance travelling.
On your confirmation of the above, I will wish to present an asset
management agreement to you to protect our mutual interest.



I expect to hear from you soonest,

G. Allotey


----- Original Message -----
From: "Louis Friend" Sent: Wednesday, August 04, 2004 6:05 PM
Subject: Re: WANT TO INVEST IN YOUR COUNTRY

 Dear Gabriel,

I am happy to hear from you again today. I was feeling a little down earlier
as mother mistook her colostomy sack for the boil-in-the-bag beef casserole
I had prepared for her lunch.

Anyway, I'm so glad that we are friends now!!!!!

If you come over here in 5- 6 months time it will be Christmas and you would
be welcome to spend it with me and mother but it will be very cold in my
country then. I understand you are used to warmer climates so bring some
warm jumpers and thick gloves with you. Mother likes visitors and I make a
wonderful christmas pudding (the secret is in the brandy) so we would love
to have you for Xmas dinner.

I have a bank account and so does mother and after my late father passed
away 3 years ago he left me his collection of crystal giraffes, his old
shotgun and the proceeds from his black pudding sausage factory. The
solicitor we spoke to at the time said that there is about £500,000 from
father's business plus mother's savings from the sale of her Welsh cottage
in the little village of Lynbrddiuanklh of £250,000 so I am sure I can
arrange for more money to be paid into one or both of our accounts if you
think it will help in our business arrangement.

I am able to travel but suffer from a mild form of xeroderma pigmentosum
which means sunlight causes my skin to burn so I must be covered up at all
times or I go very blotchy and have to be taken to hospital.

I look forward to hearing from you soon,

Your new friend

Louis


----- Original Message -----
From: "Louis Friend" Sent: Saturday, August 07, 2004 9:39 PM
Subject: 21 Million

 Dear Gabriel,

It's been about 3 days since I last heard from you and I was wondering if
you had forgotten me. It's Saturday night here and mother has just retired
for the evening. We watched a DVD of "It's A Wonderful Life" (mother's
favourite) and I am now relaxing before applying my skin cream (my
conditions mean that in Summer I have to apply lots of lotions to my body).

My life is very wonderful (if hard) and me and mother agree that we both
miss the Saturday night television treats of Bruce Forsyth's Generation
Game, The Morecombe and Wise Show and Dr Who (although I am HAPPY to report, Dr Who is coming back soon, viva les Daleks!!!).

I am very interested in your business proposition and would be happy to
help you in any way that I can to enable you to claim your father's
royalties.

Please understand Gabriel, you are my friend now and I always stick by my
friends.

YOurs forever

Louis


----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Monday, August 09, 2004 1:30 PM
Subject: Re: 21 Million

 Dear Friend,

I received the contents of your mail noted thanks for your quick response to my mail.
Well i was busy travelled to the country side for a meeting but i am back now.Well my friend it sounds to me from your email that you are not serious in this business and all i have to tell you here is that am not kiding and this is not for a joke and before i proceed further with you i will like to see how serious you are in assisting me to claim this funds.
Oncei hear from you i will send to you a copy of ASSET MANAGEMNET AGREMENT PAPER PAPER that will legalise my dealings with you.
I await to hear from you.

GABRIEL ALLOTEY


----- Original Message -----
From: "Louis" Sent: Monday, August 09, 2004 7:01 PM
Subject: Royalties

 Dear Gabriel,

I am very, very, very, very hurt by your last email. My life is no bed of
roses and after the death of my father and having to look after mother and
with my cancer and my skin conditions I reacted to your first email like it
was a drink of water to a marathon runner in the final half mile. Now you
insult me. Why?

I really, really want to help you claim your father's royalties but don't
see how we can proceed from here. If you don't like Dr Who or Morecombe and
Wise then I am sorry but I always talk to my friends about my favourite TV
shows and who but a friend would offer me £21 million?

I am sorry to have intruded on your time and think that we should stop
emailing each other if you feel this way.

Your former friend

Louis


----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Tuesday, August 10, 2004 9:36 AM
Subject: Re: Royalties

 Dear Friend,

How are you today i received your mail.
And my friend i never insulted you as you said all i was asking from you is seriousness because those funds is my family last hope on earth so we need to act fast and put seriousness to get the funds out from the possesion it is now.
So all you need to do now, is send to me your contact
address telephone and fax number, name in full so that my family lawyer can use it to prepare a power of attorney that i will send to you and also i will send to you ASSET MANAGEMENT AGREEMENT PAPER as earlier mensioned before to legalise my dealings with you and to also protect the interest of both of us in this business..

I AWAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU

REGARDS

GABRIEL ALLOTEY



----- Original Message -----
From: "Louis Friend" Sent: Wednesday, August 11, 2004 6:36 PM
Subject: Address and Passport

Dear Gabriel,

Thank you for putting my mind at rest. What with the stress of my
conditions, looking after mother and my planned trip for surgery in Marakesh
with brilliant physician Dr Desmond Postelthwaite I become very upset very,
very easily (the National Health Service waiting lists are terrible in
England!!! It took my cousin Humphrey 5 years just to have his ear canals
siphoned because he didn't go to a private hospital. What is the world
coming to?)

Anyway! I'm so glad we are friends again.

I told mother that you will be coming for Christmas and that you'll be our
guest for Christmas dinner. She is looking forward to meeting you as she
doesn’t get many visitors apart from me, Doctor Singh her GP and aunt Dolly
who comes round once a week with our shopping and mother's bed sheets after
they've been boil washed.

You wanted my address.

Louis Friend, 295 St John's Terrace, Burntwood, Warwickshire

My passport took me a long time to find and I found it in the attic in a box
of old Just 17 comics, David Cassidy singles and Pippa dolls. It expired in
1981!! The only time I went abroad was to France as a scout leader in 1978,
and after a misunderstanding involving some of the boys I left the Scouts
and lost my desire to travel.

Do you think I should get it renewed? Or is the old one good enough? Please
let me know, I understand that time is of the essence.

I await your response.

Your friend

Louis

----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Thursday, August 12, 2004 9:09 PM
Subject: Re: Address and Passport

DEAR LOUIS,
HOW ARE YOU AND YOUR HEALTH TODAY HOPE ALL IS FINE.
WELL IS GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN, I WILL NOW SEND TO YOU THE ASSET MANAGEMENT AGREEMENT PAPER THROUGH ATTACHMANT AND YOU WILL GO THROUGH IT CAREFULLY AND GET BACK TO ME, THEN YOU CAN MAKE AMENDMENTS WERE NECESSARY.
FINALLY AM HAPPY TO SEE THAT YOU ARE REALLY WILLING TO HELP ME GET THIS FUNDS AND INVEST IT FOR ME.GOD WILL BLESS AND REWARD YOU ABUNDANTLY FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE.

REGARDS

GABRIEL ALLOTEY.




----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Friday, August 13, 2004 11:34 AM
Subject: Management Agreement

Dear Gabriel,

I didn't get the attachment with this email? Did you send it or are you waiting for a later email.

I cannot believe that in such a short space of time God has changed my life and brought you into my world at such a crucial time. The Lord certainly moves in a wonderful way.

I have to go now as me and Doctor Singh need to move mother into the lounge. She has insisted on watching the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games on the colour television in the lounge and not the old black and white one in her room. The last time we moved mother downstairs I lost my grip on the bath chair and mother fell down the steps breaking her pelvis, so I have to remain focused on getting her comfortable (and put the rubber sheets on the armchair nearest the tv).

Are you watching the Olympics? I understand that many Africans excel in the running races.

I will check my email again tomorrow. I await your Management Agreement.

Your loyal friend.

Louis



----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Friday, August 13, 2004 11:43 AM
Subject: ASSET AGREEMENT

Dear Louis,

How are you today and your health hope you are fine.
Well as i promise sending you the asset management agreement paper
you can now find attachment below for the asset agreement, study it very careful and get back to me and make amenedment were necessary.
Once i hear from you i will now send to you the contact of the bank so that you can reach the bank and comfirm the existencem of the money.

I await to hear from you.
YOURS GOOD FRIEND

GABRIEL ALLOTEY.


----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Tuesday, August 17, 2004 1:58 PM
Subject: RE: ASSET AGREEMENT

Dear Gabriel,

Sorry I have been out of touch since Friday. Mother was in hospital over the weekend. She got a little over excited during the opening ceremony of the Olympics and soiled herself when Tim Henman appeared on the tv screen (she thinks he's lovely). Unfortunately she was sitting next to my Aunt Ethel who was caught in the backsplash and assaulted Mother with a bedpan. After we finally calmed Aunty down I then had to clean Mother up and call the hospital who kept her in over the weekend for observation but released her on Sunday morning.

Good news! My cousin Toby read your management agreement yesterday morning (he has a School Certificate in Law from St Bartholomew's Grammar School you know!) and he says in his opinion it is fine and that I should go ahead and move on to the next stage with you.

Do you want my bank account details? Please let me know what you think is the best thing to do next.

I have also had a letter from the brilliant Dr Desmond Postelthwaite in Marakesh who says he can see me as early as January of next year so the quicker we do this then the faster I can fly out there for my life-saving operation.

Where are you from in Africa? I saw many African countries during the opening ceremony of the 28th Olympic games last Friday but couldn't recognise (or even pronounce!) many of them.

I do hope Britian do well (and also your people).

Your friend

Louis


----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Tuesday, August 17, 2004 5:38 PM
Subject: Re: CONTACT THE BANK

Dear Louis,

Thanks for your response to my email.
I received the contents of your email noted,
i will send to you all documents and papers involed in this transaction
and power of
attorney too.
Meanwhile, for now i will like you to contact the security firm(BANK)to
confirm the
existanec of the said money then i will forward to you all documents and
papers if
they ask of them.
So when you contact the bank this is what you will tell the bank.
You start by introducing yourself, telling them that you a friend,
Representative and Business partner to late chief Rafiu Allotey who sometime
in the
year 2000 deposited some money($21 million)Twenty one million US Dollars
for safe
keeping in there BANK.And now that your late friend is no more that you
want the
money to be transfered to you for INVESTMENT purpose.
And that you want to claim on his behalf the twenty one million us dollars
since he
is no more and also let them know that you have in your possesion
documents which
were issued to to him when he made the deposite with them and will not
fail to
produce them if they ask to do so.
And finally ask them on how they can assist you to transfer the money to you.
Once you open correspondenc with them you get back to me and inform me
your outcome
with them.

PLEASE VISIT THERE WEBSITE AND CONTACT THEM IMMEDIATLY

WEBSITE:www.abnfinance-securities.com

I AWAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

THANKS

GABRIEL ALLOTEY


----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Wednesday, August 18, 2004 10:52 AM
Subject: Re: CONTACT THE BANK

Dear Gabriel,

I contacted the bank today but the 3 addresses on their 'contact us' page don't work (the emails were all returned to me as failed deliveries).

I wrote them a nice letter as you suggested but I can't send it to them.

Do you have any suggestions?

I hope you are well today, I accidentally locked myself out of the house this morning and because of my skin condition I had to hide in the coal shed until the milkman came round and let me back in .

Louis


----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Wednesday, August 18, 2004 1:33 PM
Subject: Re: CONTACT THE BANK

Dear Louis,

I received your email and contents noted.
Please try and contact the bank again and get back to me.
I await to hear from.
Gabriel Allotey.


----- Original Message -----
From: Louis Friend
Sent: Saturday, August 21, 2004 11:58 AM
Subject: Passport and Driving Licence

Hi

I received a contact from Abraham Cole today. He is asking for a copy of my driving license or my passport. Gabriel, as I explained my passport has expired, do you think I should get it renewed? I know you may want me to travel. Mother has money hidden in her spare bedpan and I could probably get to it when she's asleep in order to get the fastest renewal the Passport Office offer.

Britain now have two golds in the Olympics. I am so happy. Although the girl who won the sailing is far too old for my liking at 21. Ugh!

Here is a picture of Mother, taken in happier times when she was at the Resyk Care Home in Swinterton in 1999. The lady on the right is Elsie Mickleton, mother's best friend. She unfortunately passed away 5 minutes before this picture was taken.



Please let me know what to do.

Your friend

Louis



----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Monday, August 23, 2004 3:46 PM
Subject: Re: CONTACT THE BANK

 Dear Louis,

What did they ask you to provide which evidnce?

gabriel allotey.



----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Thursday, August 26, 2004 11:16 AM
Subject: Problems with bank

Dear Gabriel,

My friend, I'm so sorry for not having been in touch but I have only just been released from gaol this morning. Apparently some of the boy scouts from my tenure as a scout leader have now become adults and have made wild accusations about me, a tub of industrial axle grease, a sheep and a pocket stapler during a camping trip in 1979. The police held me for 3 days and I was bailed this morning pending my return to Solliwood police station next month to find out whether or not I will face charges.

My Aunt Sissy looked after mother while I was incarcerated and when I returned mother called me Angela and asked if I'd ever waltzed with Sinatra. I think she may be on the way out.

The bank that you told me to contact asked me to provide proof of my right to claim the £21 million. I forwarded them a copy of your agreement that you sent me and they replied that it wasn't enough.

What should I do?

I understand just how important this it to you and that you need the money urgently my friend so please tell me how I can help you.

Now I am going to watch a film with mother. We will probably watch "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians". Last week I was embarrassed terribly when a film called "Pre-Teen Sluts Vol 3" was somehow accidentally given to me instead of the John Wayne film "The Yearling". Hopefully Apollo video will get it right this time.

Please get back to me asap.

Your good friend,

Louis



----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Friday, August 27, 2004 9:22 AM
Subject: Re: Problems with bank

 Dear Louise,
Ok rigth now i will send to you a power of attorney that will authorised you to claim the money so you can send it to the bank.
I will send it to you later today.

regards

gabriel allotey.



----- Original Message -----
From: Sent: Friday, September 03, 2004 10:37 AM
Subject: Signatures

Hello Gabriel,

Well it has been a very hectic week for me. Doctor Singh has been suspended pending being struck off by the Medical Council for administering strichnine (I'm not sure if that's the spelling) instead of morphine to an elderly patient in his care.

My aunt Elsie died last week and we had the funeral yesterday. I couldn't attend because of my skin condition and looking after mother but apparently the funeral was very serene and respectful with only cousin Kenny and his brother Terence causing trouble at the wake by beating up a traffic warden they caught issuing a ticket on Kenny's Ford Cortina. The police arrested Kenny and it is likely he will go back to prison as he was on parole after an unfortunate incident with some stolen car stereos.

Mother is well but I'm not sure that her calling me Doris is a very healthy sign.

As for myself I am looking forward to completing our transaction so I can have my lung cancer surgery and maybe find a cure for my skin problems. You come from a hot country with lots of palm trees Gabriel so I don't think you can imagine what it's like to have to stay in doors 24 hours a day for most of your life.

I digitally scanned my signature and sent it to the bank but they returned it saying that I need your signature too. Please send me a copy as an attachment with your signature. Or do you want me to forge your signature and send it to them? Please advise me.

Your friend

Louis

1 comment:

  1. This is where it ends? Pity. You really made a nice sketch out of it :D But i'm really surprised he didn't mention pre-depositing a sum of money. You'd almost think he was being serious :P

    ReplyDelete

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